Anxiety stemming from fear is a funny thing. It creeps up on you in the most unexpected times. I had a moment today that almost knocked me off my feet. I never struggled with anxiety until I was assaulted as a very naive teenager (which I rarely talk about, I’ve worked through that for the most part). After that experience, the fear started building like layers of frost on a window. Contracting like a snake around my vocal cords.
I go inward.
Calm myself with affirming words.
Bring it back to love.
I can do it fairly quickly now. And most around me are not aware it’s happening. And it’s so rare now, that when it DOES happen, it’s like a betrayal to my soul. Like when you get your car fixed and it’s running perfectly and you start trusting in the mechanics and then it stalls on the road.
Today it happened during my workout, so I went upstairs to the running track and found a stairwell full of cement stairs waiting to be climbed.
You see for me, exercise is like an antidote for the fear. It elevates my heart rate and labours my breathing just as the anxiety does. Until it matches it and then takes over in a physical way. Biology of strength over the mind. So I ran those stairs, urging my legs down to the bottom, and then pushing my way back up. With each step up, I’m climbing out of the hole of fear. Taking control over what I initially feel little control over. I reassess at the top, and then do it again until I am calmed. Until the pain of lactic acid in my legs is greater than the tightness in my chest.
Fear is replaced by empowerment. I can do this. I can climb out of this. My heart is rooted in love. There is no room for fear.
Bring it back to love.
It took about 10 minutes to get my mind right again, and I went back downstairs and had a great workout, I love lifting. It’s my jam. It centres me. Makes me feel alive and full of feeling. I could feel my spirit returning to my heart.
To the person I am inside.
Kind, compassionate, empathetic, loving, patient, giving, honest, accepting. And sometimes the person that’s hardest to accept is myself. Because I didn’t know my worth for a very long time. And my decisions were rooted in fear. I wore a mask. I learned what people “wanted” me to be. What made them comfortable. I was disloyal to my spirit.
But not today, not anymore. I do not accept that for my life.
Never dim your light to placate another’s insecurities.
I have this one precious life in which I am the designer of my environment and the people within my inner circle. I will always fiercely protect my inner harmony, but not at the cost of being guarded and closed off.
I committed to wholehearted living. I’ve written that one word “Wholehearted” more times than I can count. Because to live wholeheartedly, takes courage. It takes honesty. It’s vulnerable and transparent. It’s the whole of my heart. My kids deserve to have a Mom that lives with the entirety of her heart.
And I will do that, one step at a time. I will climb back up to the top. Always.
From my wholehearted spirit to yours,