I’ve taken some time off from the gym. This summer has been full of working, camping, walking, a few runs thrown in and kayaking. One of the gym regulars I’ve gotten to know came into the bank the other day.
He asked me: “Where have you been? Are you Ok? Please come back.”
I told him all was good, I’m on a break. I’ll be back soon!
A couple days later, I went back to the gym to get a workout in since I really “should”.
But you know what? I was tired. My body was tired. My spirit was tired, I did not want to be there.
I kept my head down so I didn’t invite any conversation with the regulars whom I’ve come to respect and really enjoy.
I felt a bit deflated when I got home after. Disappointed I couldn’t lift as heavy as the last time I was there. Feeling bad because I wasn’t my chipper self ready to uplift others.
The truth is, I’ve had my own emotional “stuff” I’ve been working through. Learning to move on from the past.
While I recognize I do not live in the past anymore, it doesn’t change the fact that living within a new life will challenge one to deal with old thought/behaviour patterns.
I do not choose a mediocre life.
I want an authentic life rich in experiences and quality.
I want to surround myself with people I adore and support, and they in turn offer the same support.
I want to feel this life.
I know happiness is a choice.
I also know that to etch my happy; I have to work through the tricky stuff.
Awaken the parts of me I’ve numbed and closed off as a protection.
I had no idea until recently, the degree in which I have guarded myself in order to feel a sense of security and control over my life.
I’m not even entirely sure how to work on that. Except to be a lot more self-aware when it’s happening.
As a trainer, I learned a lot about Programming. How to program a workout for optimal results. Set into cycles. One building off of the next. But there’s also a cycle of rest and recovery that is necessary or you’ll over-train and burn out.
I thought about that the other day when my inner voice told me to please rest.
Be OK with the ever evolving challenges presented when you start over and rebuild a life.
Stop trying to help everyone else and work on my own struggles.
The stuff exercise can’t fix.
I am happy, that I know…but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to spin it back to positive within every experience. I can honour that it’s hard to learn how to live after divorce. It’s hard to open yourself up again.
It’s just hard.
And that’s OK.
I’m going to have the courage to sit in the shit.
Be who I inherently am within.
Give myself permission to grieve, feel anger and hurt.
And then keep on moving forward.
Maybe that’s what life is….A series of cycles of amazing good, and equally amazingly difficult.
All of which mould one’s character and create a depth of beauty within the spirit.
Of loss and renew.
A heart growing in strength because of resistance to stagnancy and complacency.
I’m going to just surrender to it all and keep my faith in my higher power.
Trust my instincts.
Trust others again.
Know my worth; not just as a female, but as a person. (Side note: It’s funny, when I look back to just a couple of years ago and realize the weight I placed on my actually weight. It all seems so insignificant and silly.)
Understanding that there is a great purpose for my life. For your life. For all of creation.
The summer of surrender and acceptance….
From my heart to yours,