A Letter to the God-Sized Hole of the Evening

A few months ago, I learned to start my day with 2 intentions (which turn into actions):

Show me what I need to know.

Show me what I need to learn.

I feel pulled to share this morning’s writing… Full of vulnerability and fear, but also hope and surrender. I’m just going to type what I wrote, without edits or grammatical fixes.

April 15, 2019

“Show me what I need to know”

The purest form of truth about yourself is in the morning. You are inspired, loving, calm, centred, grateful, hopeful, energetic, and peaceful.  Somewhere through out the day, parts of you unravel. Like tugging a piece of thread, it pulls away lending to layers of fray.

By evening, you feel a hole. I’ve heard the term “God-Sized Hole” and it’s accurate. It’s something I want to feed, fill with external stimuli. I feel it in my throat and in my heart like a lead blanket on my chest; constricting my breathing. There is nothing external that will ever placate it or remove it. It just grows with every attempt.

“Show me what I need to learn”

You know who you are at the start of each day. It’s YOU. Remove whatever you can through out your day which affects your equanimity. Remind yourself of your truth. Silence the voice of doubt/I’m not good enough/that deceptive narrative of self-loathing.

Bring it back to this present moment.

Where all is as it should be.

There is no pain in this moment.

There is no shame of the past.

There is no fear of the future.

You are taken care of.

Surrender.

Trust.

You’ve been gifted a new path full of choices, opportunity, a fresh perspective, new people who are all placed at this stage of life to teach you. Circumstances to build your resilience. Reminders of what you value and order of importance within that value system.

A faith that guides you and sustains you.

The God-Sized hole lives within your mind; but it is not who you are.

You are worthy and complete. Complicated yet simplistic within your needs.

Abundance is yours and it’s already part of your today.

Your purpose is within shifting focus for yourself and others; so they may also understand their greatness and wholeness.

The soul needs no reassurance.

It’s the centre of all.

It’s the light; there is no darkness.

It’s always burning, creating, evolving, full of freedom and ever transforming within shades of LOVE.

It will guide you back to who you always were and who you are.

Read this at night.

Read it when you are confused, afraid, sad, full of shame.

You are deeply loved and you deeply love others. In all their stages and phases of growth and within your own too.

Practice self-compassion; shame is the root of destruction.

Your life is ever-expanding and evolving just as it was meant to.

You have all you require now. More than.

There is nothing to feed.

You are already full.

Full of love and purpose; fulfilled and grounded.

Your soul is on fire with it.

Just let it be.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Finding Equanimity in a Line-Up

The other day, as a long bank line snaked to the door, I had this thought…

Don’t look to the end of it. Focus on the person in front of you only. Take good care of them. And then the next and the next.

And that’s how my life has been lately. If I focus on the line: the things out of my control, the weight of changes and forks in the road, the big tasks ahead to keep up a business/another career/certification/doing best for my kids…all together it’s just one big long line up to the door with eyes pleading to hurry up.

But if I focus on each one singularly, with love and attention, I’m able to bring some equanimity to each element.

The word of the year…

Equanimity: The ability to calm and centre yourself especially under stress.

When I first read this word, I knew it was the singular most important trait I needed to learn. Most of my reading has been centred around it; learning tools to bring that balance back no matter what stressors pop up in my day.

You can’t control all the stressors in life; but you can change your perceptions, build resilience, and learn to traverse the path of adversity with clarity and a calmness of spirit.

Don’t focus on the line friends…just the beautiful face in front of you.

The rest will be taken care of in due course.

Trust in your abilities. Continue to learn and grow.

Situations, people, opportunity and loss are there for a greater purpose. Open your eyes to the lessons right in your back yard.

Wax on wax off.

Have a great day!

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Forest vs. the Tree

You know the saying “you can’t see the forest for the trees”…

The other day I was talking with a co-worker and we chatted about the next phase in careers. She told me she hoped one day she would be as knowledgeable as a Senior staff member; and worried how she would she ever get there. She felt defeated that she wasn’t growing as fast as she hoped. Now, this girl is 20 years my Junior and we are at the same phase in careers. For me, I can see the next 20 years for her clearly as I have witnessed her work ethic, intelligence, and wisdom beyond her years. Plus I’ve lived the years she’s about to go through. But she’s staring right at one tree. There’s a whole forest beyond.

As I was explaining that POV to her, I realized I’m staring at one tree too.

Within every stage of life, it’s easy to stare at one tree. The more narrow your focus, the closer you are to that one tree. The bark is all up in your eyeballs.

If you are feeling worried about the details of this stage, remember there is a whole forest beyond it.

A whole world of learning, growing, opportunity.

Take a step back.

Trust in the ever-evolving stages of life and just do your best.

You learn the most when you are handed challenges. Expedited growth, which is a gift when you get out into the forest.

Have a great day!

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Weight of 8 Pounds

In 2013, I started to weigh in and record it once a month only.  During my losing phase, I became a slave to the scale and my moods yo-yoed along with whatever that daily magic number showed.

It’s been over a year now since I took a sit-on-yo-butt job.

I’ve gained 8 pounds.

Oooooh so dramatic.

Confession time…

I have a love/distaste relationship with gym-culture.

On one side you have a collective of people from all different backgrounds/classes/job roles all in track-pants sweatin’ it up. There’s a mutual respect and camaraderie that evolves.

Uplifting and motivating.

Like this gentleman whom I’ve witnessed for well over a year, running the track with a weighted vest on. He’s older than I, and he gives it all he’s got.  I realized today, that he runs so much more effortlessly and he must have lost the equivalent of an entire person from his frame. He whizzes by us all, WITH A WEIGHTED VEST ON PEOPLE. Much respect man.

Slow motion high-five..

But then there’s this other side of gym culture. The focus on an unrealistic standard, not enough, never happy with one’s aesthetic appearance, and scanning others bodies in comparison. The idea that the most important and perhaps valued part of a person is the frame she/he walks around in.

I happened on a woman today, nameless for this post, who gave me the ole’ body scan.  Full on scan top to bottom. Now, I have no way of knowing what her scan meant, nor is it any of my business what another thinks of me…but you guys, I felt this wave of embarrassment which is embarrassing.

She must have noticed the 8 lbs. It might as well be 80 pounds.

My mind went all the shades of insecurity. By the end of the workout, my head was down. I felt no power within. Just embarrassment “how could you let yourself gain 8 pounds. You are on a train to obese town again”

And so this is why I’m writing this blog post today, because I recognize how silly it all is. How insignificant it is. How I am not alone in the comparison game. In the “not enough” world that lives within the minds of many women.

In my current profession, I’ve accidentally stumbled upon a breath of fresh air in comparison to the personal training world. I didn’t know I needed it until I found it. There is very little focus on fitness levels. There’s a focus on memory, fast thinking, retention of information and stellar customer service…but whether or not someone is 8 pounds more?  Meh…it’s like saying I aged 8 days. Zero Facks given.

When I got home, I sat alone in my happy place. My home. And I spun it back.

The weight of 8 pounds does not account for the following…

The year I’ve spent focussing on working and changing careers, taking care of my kids, and studying for the next chapter.

The strength I’ve worked hard for this year. Because it pushed me out of my comfort zone daily, and makes me feel empowered.

The time spent around the supper table, talking and laughing. Movies with the gang, sharing licorice down an aisle and learning much more than I ever thought I would want to know about Marvel movies (which for the record are pretty bad ass).

The quiet voice of my instinct awakening again as I’ve learned to trust myself and surrender the rest.

The feeling of peace I have now that my life is on a good track, where there was so much uncertainty and worry about my future before. I didn’t know if I could keep my home, if I’d have to move. Move my kids away from their friends and schools. If I could start a new career. Or meet new people. If I could laugh again or if I’d always hide behind a forced smile as I was grieving. Starting over is no joke. It takes more courage than I ever thought I had.

There’s 3 elements to staying on an internal-pride high-vibe if you break it down.

Self-Confidence (self-efficacy). The belief you can lean or accomplish something

Self-esteem: how much you approve of or value yourself (often evaluated within comparisons)

Self-compassion: how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when going through a difficult experience

I think the hardest one is self-compassion especially if you have high standards for yourself (and in turn others). Without self-compassion there is an element of shame that seeps in and shame is the killer of dreams and moving forward within actions.

So today I will remember to be gentle with myself. I will choose what to give significance to. Perspective is everything.

We all have one life. The difference between a good one and a bad one, lives within your perceptions.

And today I realized just how silly 8 pounds is to my life. I know how to be healthy and keep on rocking a lifestyle that works for me. Balance. There are cycles of rest and recovery and working hard too, in other facets beyond a gym.

I hope you will  be gentle with yourself too, you are so worthy of whatever amazing life you create.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

 

 

 

 

90 Years of Wisdom Delivered in a Bow and a Smile

At work, there is a Mother and Grandmother who come in regularly. Although we do not speak the same language, or in the case of the Mother…bits of the same, we do share the same warm smiles. Each time they come to my wicket, the Grandmother bows and smiles the largest warmest grin that dances within her kind eyes. She reminds me of the wise Matriarch in Mulan.

I’m sure it’s comedic to watch. She bows. I bow. We laugh. She bows. I bow. X10 bowing. on repeat.

I can feel her spirit every time. I know nothing about her past or present other than the beautiful aura she carries with her. A brilliant smile, and uplifting presence.

Yesterday, the Mother came solo.  I asked where Grandma was. She replied that she was resting at home.

She leaned in to my wicket and said to me “You know, my Mom loves you. She thinks you are beautiful and you are very kind.”

I told her I adored her Mom’s energy and I too thought she was beautiful. I wanted to expand more but she pointedly said…”My Mom is 90 years old. She’s always happy. Always smiling. Always thanking. She loves to live.”

I could see how much she appreciates having a Mom who loves life the way she does.  A gift to her family.

Another Zen Joy person who crossed my path. ❤  I am so grateful for these light-sharers who’s mere presence illuminates any room. Who make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Who make you believe in the good within the world. That happiness and gratitude is something you choose.  And spread it freely.

While I struggle some days to choose it; I see that Grandmother as a symbol of what I’m working toward. A countenance of loving life.

I used to think happiness was what I most sought after in life; but perhaps it’s fulfillment within life’s various stages. The not seeking the next chapter.

I’ll be happy when…

Rather, I’m fulfilled now with all that I am and all that I have (none of which are the material variety; but the human interaction kind).

My eyes continue to open to what’s important to my spirit. I embrace every lesson which comes my way; and they are often packaged in welcoming smiles and gentle energy.

90 years of wisdom encapsulated in a warm smile and gentle bow. Zero words spoken yet all the words I need (which I’m having a tricky time articulating just how much they mean to me).

Thank you Grandmother.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Our Deepest Fear

Marianne Williamson wrote with poetic truth and beauty…

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Her words have danced in my spirit the moment I read them.

I have allowed my insecurities and complacency to hold me back from experiencing a richness of life which comes when you take risk, live authentically, and have the courage to be vulnerable with others. It’s what connects us.

We all have insecurities in some form or fashion. They manifest differently for everyone.

Some mask it with bravado.

Some gossip.

Some shelter.

Some gaslight.

Some cover it with anger while others feel the weight of shame.

As I have worked at being more vulnerable, I have also felt convicted about sharing the areas of strength I’ve felt. As though my pride would be mistaken for vanity.

I can spin it back to love however…It’s not vain to love yourself fiercely. To speak passionately about whatever it is that ignites the fires of your spirit.

I want that for my children. To be strong, daring, unapologetic for their authenticity, with a vivacious energy that translates into fulfillment and gratitude for this one amazing grace-filled life.

Going into the New Year; I will try my best to live more honestly and authentically. To work more on my inner spirit than my outer aesthetic. I believe the outer follows suit to whatever you put into the soul.

I am and will be grateful for all that I have and all that I am working towards; quality of life.

I have let go of “stuff” and “status”.

I have let my mask fall.

I have run away pain, and bathed in the murk.

I have exercised my voice like a muscle and walked a little taller.

I have accepted both my light and dark side.

I know my strengths and I know my faults. As I worked daily on my spirit; self-awareness flooded my being with every sunrise of my Miracle Morning.

When you embrace the uniquely beautiful human you are, and explore the areas or life which excite you. delight you. bring a sparkle to your eye…Your light will shine so bright; it will be impossible not to see. And that light is infectious.

What makes you happy?

What makes your heart sing?

What makes you feel alive?

WHO makes you feel connected and understood?

Who celebrates your successes?

You see if you are at a place in your life where you are questioning who is in your corner; look to the people who are truly happy for your successes. The ones who feel your happy as much as your pain.

But never dim your light for anyone. That’s a betrayal to who you are meant to be. Your life has a purpose; live it passionately and boldly.

I will celebrate my successes and will continue to uplift others as they go after their own. Yessss, go get it!

United within strength as much as weakness.

I hope you have an amazing Christmas full of the love of family and friends.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

 

Private Healing

When I finally decided to tackle my health issues, I knew I wanted to do so privately. I didn’t share with my friends or family my plan to get the weight off.  Perhaps it was due to fear of failing; but knowing who I am as  a person…it was more so because the process for me was full of healing and reclamation of a life I couldn’t live the way I wanted to.

I yearned to run down a field with my kids without getting winded, go swimming without shame, and speak up passionately for what I believed in.

You see, the excess weight for me was a byproduct of shame and loss after a sexual assault. I won’t blame the assault on turning me into a physically unhealthy person (blood pressure issues/depression/etc.); however, I do recognize it was the catalyst.

It took many years to pack on that weight; and when I decided to shed that extra layer of shame and pain…the weight went along with it. I didn’t know who I was as a woman aside from my roles as a Mom/Wife/Sister/Friend/Daughter.

I didn’t follow a plan or strict calorie intake regimen. I made a daily promise to treat me as I treat those I love. To fuel with nutrition and water. Move a little, sometimes a lot, and some days not at all…sweet rest.

These past few years I have faced equally confusing and down days as my life has transitioned during a divorce. When I feel that pull to eat away the pain or stay in bed, I try my best to spin it back to love and simply move and eat well. To rebuild my family dynamic with my children in a new way; and just love them deeper.

I struggle between lending support to others; yet still honouring my pain and healing process.  I prefer to do so privately and quietly. I struggle to articulate to those I love and pull away from that I need to do this for me.  It’s not personal to them. I can not support anyone else if I don’t support my process too. I have lost friendships along the way as I have not met other’s needs and expectations.

Some find solace in sharing openly and aloud. I envy that in many ways; I would imagine it’s easier to keep up your friendships and support circle that way vs. isolating here and there.  I do also see the irony that I’m sharing this on a public blog 😉  I also find healing within sharing in a way that’s comfortable for me (alone in my office lol)

I hope this post shares some insight into the different yet equally healing ways people process various stages in life.

There is joy within the pain. There is laughter even through some tears. There is residual anger within the forgiveness.  And there is a whole lot of love when you drop the shame and regret. I am so thankful for all that I have; it’s all that I need. I am finding my zen joy a little more every day.

Family. Purpose. Fulfillment. Love. Security. Authenticity. Love. Acceptance.

I appreciate all who are still there for me when I do some private growing and we just pick up where we left off. I have nothing but love for my friends and family.

From my heart to yours,

Christine