I have had a few revelations this week. I’m not sure I can put them into words, but I will try! I struggle with my body image, but when I really think about it, a more accurate statement would be that I struggle with my self-image. I often lose who I am and who I want to be/my goals.
I was thinking back to 2002, back when I weighed close to 250 pounds. I was a shell of a person. I wanted to fade away into the background, away from the judgements of others. I realize today that it really had nothing to do with the opinion of others, but rather my own opinion. I didn’t love who I was. I knew I had it in me to be the person I wanted to be, but I had so much self-loathing that I couldn’t move forward.
What changed for me? I took one little step forward. One step towards treating myself well. A step that was for me and no one else. Those little steps took over, and I started feeling pride in myself; something I had really never felt before. I wasn’t living up to my potential and I had no idea what my potential was. I stayed in this little “I can’t do it” bubble…never challenging myself for fear of failure. What I didn’t understand, was my self-loathing was attached to the knowledge that I was failing myself everyday I stayed on that couch and with every bit of bingeing on the wrong foods that I did.
I have been struggling recently with what my purpose is. And, the feelings that I felt those years ago came back. I realized it has nothing to do with what I weigh. It’s how I’m feeling inside. I’ve felt that same self-loathing lately. Why? Because I am not honouring my goals. My focus has shifted. I am not proud of myself.
When you can get up in the morning and look yourself in the mirror and feel pride for what you are doing in life, there is no better joy. I have spent the last little while, down on myself and there is no power to be found when you are in that place. As a mom, wife, photographer, etc. I have put everyone else first and have avoided taking care of myself. I have avoided relationships that are important to me because I feel like I am failing.
So, I know the root of many of my food/exercise issues start in my heart. I need to love myself, and remind myself daily of my goals. I need to focus on my purpose in life. I need to be proud of who I am. I feel my purpose is to help others that are stuck in this same place. It’s what fuels my desire to move forward as well. I need to feel that I am giving back all that I had taken for granted in life. I want to share joy where I had once found little. I can see so much power, but also deep hurt within so many people who are also struggling and have lost who they are. I can see it so clearly, their bright beautiful spirit, and my wish is that they could see it too.
My favourite quote.
“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” George Bernard Shaw
I need to love who I see in the mirror. I feel fortunate that I have found the path that can make that a reality if only I would take a moment and honour my goals and take action. To be thankful and live my life through gratitude and true joy for life and all it has to offer. There is true power in living a life of joy, purpose, and gratitude.
I recently started a “Reclaiming Life” group on facebook. It has been a great source of motivation and inspiration for me and I hope for others as well. It’s an open group, so if you feel it can help you move forward, please join in! Finding a support network is so important. Sometimes it’s not easy admitting that we need help from others, but the support is there for the taking. 🙂
From my heart to yours,