Private Healing

When I finally decided to tackle my health issues, I knew I wanted to do so privately. I didn’t share with my friends or family my plan to get the weight off.  Perhaps it was due to fear of failing; but knowing who I am as  a person…it was more so because the process for me was full of healing and reclamation of a life I couldn’t live the way I wanted to.

I yearned to run down a field with my kids without getting winded, go swimming without shame, and speak up passionately for what I believed in.

You see, the excess weight for me was a byproduct of shame and loss after a sexual assault. I won’t blame the assault on turning me into a physically unhealthy person (blood pressure issues/depression/etc.); however, I do recognize it was the catalyst.

It took many years to pack on that weight; and when I decided to shed that extra layer of shame and pain…the weight went along with it. I didn’t know who I was as a woman aside from my roles as a Mom/Wife/Sister/Friend/Daughter.

I didn’t follow a plan or strict calorie intake regimen. I made a daily promise to treat me as I treat those I love. To fuel with nutrition and water. Move a little, sometimes a lot, and some days not at all…sweet rest.

These past few years I have faced equally confusing and down days as my life has transitioned during a divorce. When I feel that pull to eat away the pain or stay in bed, I try my best to spin it back to love and simply move and eat well. To rebuild my family dynamic with my children in a new way; and just love them deeper.

I struggle between lending support to others; yet still honouring my pain and healing process.  I prefer to do so privately and quietly. I struggle to articulate to those I love and pull away from that I need to do this for me.  It’s not personal to them. I can not support anyone else if I don’t support my process too. I have lost friendships along the way as I have not met other’s needs and expectations.

Some find solace in sharing openly and aloud. I envy that in many ways; I would imagine it’s easier to keep up your friendships and support circle that way vs. isolating here and there.  I do also see the irony that I’m sharing this on a public blog 😉  I also find healing within sharing in a way that’s comfortable for me (alone in my office lol)

I hope this post shares some insight into the different yet equally healing ways people process various stages in life.

There is joy within the pain. There is laughter even through some tears. There is residual anger within the forgiveness.  And there is a whole lot of love when you drop the shame and regret. I am so thankful for all that I have; it’s all that I need. I am finding my zen joy a little more every day.

Family. Purpose. Fulfillment. Love. Security. Authenticity. Love. Acceptance.

I appreciate all who are still there for me when I do some private growing and we just pick up where we left off. I have nothing but love for my friends and family.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

 

The Simplistic Beauty of Giving

My reading this morning was on the spirit of giving.

Simplistically beautiful giving.

As I go into my workday, I will focus on uplifting others who cross my path.  Working at a bank, there’s many in a day.

How can I uplift their spirit within that 5 minute window?

The smallest kind word can create grow in impact; you never know what another is struggling with. But you can feel it within the way they hold themselves, their tone, how they interact.   There’s  nothing more monotonous than standing in line at a bank, I remember that by the time they reach me.

Just give a little kindness and understanding.

That’s literally all I’m going to focus on within every interaction today.

I have 100 some odd chances to brighten another’s day today. That’s how I think about it…how many chances will I get today to spread a little good?

Giving does not have to be grandiose or extravagant. The spirit of giving lives within a welcoming smile, a door held open, a genuine compliment, a listening ear, within the song of laughter.

Have a great day! I hope someone shows a little kindness to you today. You are loved.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Magic Forks and Cracked Molars which turn into Banking Jobs  

There’s a phenomenon in my home, that I’m sure many others can relate to.

Along with the mystery of the missing one sock in the laundry pile, forks also go missing in my house.

What the fork, where do they go?

I was shopping the other day and was drawn into one of those kitchen stores; stocked with pretty kitchen-ey type gadgets.  I picked up a set of forks. It pained me to buy them when I had perfectly good forks just months ago; so I put them back on the shelf.

As I was washing the same 4 forks so we could eat supper; I inwardly made fun of my frugal self for not buying the forks. Later that day, I went downstairs to organize my unfinished basement turned sweat-freely-in-home-gym.  In the corner I spied a wooden box; like there was a spot light on it.

I opened it slowly, like it was a treasure chest. I realized it was a beautiful cutlery set gifted to us by my parents on our wedding day. The weirdest part of about this is I swore I already dumped the whole set into my everyday drawer years ago. I even wrote about it. Maybe I only used half of them; but I was staring in shock at a complete set of beautiful silverware.

I asked for a fork.

I found not just any fork; but a set of fancy forks.

Perception is everything: there was a part of me that lamented not using those fancy forks back when I was married; I am only now breaking out the “good china” now that I’m divorced? Oh the irony.

I think the real message here is within asking and receiving.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye
shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

What I’ve learned these past three years is that my prayers/affirmations/thoughts turn into things.

Some small…like a fork; and some huge like careers and a happy home built on love with my children.

Like that time when I broke a tooth; which turned into a banking job.

Stay with me….

I cracked a  molar eating ice. I don’t know why my molar couldn’t handle some ice chips, but it was my favourite molar. The one that does the most chewing. Of the meats.

At the time; I had no benefits. And that one molar ended up costing me $3,200.

It was a complicated molar.

Oh the things you do for your favourite molar.

That week; I received some help from my parents via a card in mail with a handwritten note and a CQ.

They are still my tooth fairy.

What was an amazing blessing to me is that I didn’t ask them for help.  They just intuitively knew that I was very much struggling at that time. Thank you

Three weeks after that; I got a job offer at a bank. I had never considered working at a bank; but a friend approached me knowing my skill set. She told me it came along with benefits. For the teeth. 😉

I had a huge smile as the day before, I had also set a goal to learn more about investments and finances. I had even looked into taking courses and said aloud “bring me opportunities to learn about finances.”

I was gifted a learning opportunity which came with benefits.

This is how it works in my life lately.

I trust and surrender.

I have confidence in myself and my abilities.

I stay the course and work hard.

Focus on the good.

The blessings.

Gratitude.

Humble awesomeness.

I’m taken care of.

I have all that I need.

Skeptics may say; you always had fancy forks in your basement…

But I choose to see the magic within Synchronicity.

Beautiful timing within need.

Thanks for the forks.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

 

 

 

The Heart of Balance

I’ve read a lot about balance lately, seeking the middle and avoiding the extremes of anything. “Avoiding” can create resistance however, and resistance can insight imbalance.

What you resist will persist…as the saying goes.

Catch 22

Last week at my day job, I had a conversation with a co-worker about personal training.

She said to me “but you don’t do that anymore”

I immediately felt defensive. Like I lost a part of my identity within an area of my spirit that is very important to me.

I will always strive to articulate and share the gift of health and fitness as it has changed my life. There were many years of my life that I lost to self-deprecation and defeating behaviours.

It’s not about fitting into a certain size.

Or out-running or out-lifting the person beside me at the gym.

For me, it’s a way I can channel the tricky stuff into self-love. To move and live the way our bodies are designed.

It’s seeking the middle.

Balanced.

Mind/Body/Soul seamlessly working together to appreciate the simple joys in life with vivacious energy. Actually experiencing life.

I struggle with the extreme side of the fitness industry.

Push past physical pain.

Eat your boiled chicken and steamed broccoli.

Skip dinners out with friends or loved ones.

Devote all your free time to sweating in the gym.

Craft yourself an ass you can bounce a quarter off of.

Pick apart your body in the mirror, oh tomorrow you can continue the pursuit for that perfect physical frame.

Never fit enough.

Never strong enough.

Just never enough…

Ugh, it’s a dangerous game leading to self-obsession.

Sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture.

The Why’s.

The heart of drive which lives behind action.

I am seeking the middle.

Living in the right now.

I took some time to answer: Why is health and fitness important to me?

So I can live freely in a frame that isn’t restrictive to movement.

So I can run paths lined with golden trees and feel the euphoria that comes when I find my rhythm.

So that I can better keep up to my kids whose curiosity for life and hope for their future inspires me.

So I can enjoy food without feeding the extremes. Binging/Restriction.

So I can FEEL. The good stuff right along with the tricky stuff.

Understanding that maybe happiness is found within life’s ordinary moments.

The way the sunshine slowly seeps into my living room giving life to cherished photos as I do my Miracle Morning.

The way my son Lucas asks daily: “How was your day Mom?”

The way my daughter Tess side hugs me like it’s no big deal. But she closes her eyes for a brief moment.

They way my son Ty pokes his head out of the basement dramatically and yells “HI!” And we recap our day.

The way my kids tease each other at the kitchen counter as they eat banana bread.

The way my dog excitedly greets me at the door everyday like we’ve been apart for years.

It’s just so simple, but I have overcomplicated it.

I am doing my best at parenting solo (not truly solo, but solo in my home).

And I’m going to focus on the small victories within  my day.

The little bits of happiness that weave a big happy.

I’m going to treat those I love with respect and care, and do the same for myself.

I’m going to spread a little sunshine and happy to others.

Because why not? Oh my…this life has enough negativity and shame within it.

I wish the same for you…

From my heart to yours,

Christine

 

The Summer of Surrender and Acceptance

I’ve taken some time off from the gym.  This summer has been full of working, camping, walking, a few runs thrown in and kayaking.  One of the gym regulars I’ve gotten to know came into the bank the other day.

He asked me: “Where have you been? Are you Ok? Please come  back.”

I told him all was good, I’m on a break. I’ll be back soon!

A couple days later, I went back to the gym to get a workout in since I really “should”.

But you know what? I was tired. My body was tired. My spirit was tired, I did not want to be there.

I kept my head down so I didn’t invite any conversation with the regulars whom I’ve come to respect and really enjoy.

I felt a bit deflated when I got home after. Disappointed I couldn’t lift as heavy as the last time I was there. Feeling bad because I wasn’t my chipper self ready to uplift others.

The truth is, I’ve had my own emotional “stuff” I’ve been working through. Learning to move on from the past.

While I recognize I do not live in the past anymore, it doesn’t change the fact that living within a new life will challenge one to deal with old thought/behaviour patterns.

I do not choose a mediocre life.

I want an authentic life rich in experiences and quality.

I want to surround myself with people I adore and support, and they in turn offer the same support.

I want to feel this life.

I know happiness is a choice.

I also know that to etch my happy; I have to work through the tricky stuff.

Awaken the parts of me I’ve numbed and closed off as a protection.

I had no idea until recently, the degree in which I have guarded myself in order to feel a sense of security and control over my life.

I’m not even entirely sure how to work on that. Except to be a lot more self-aware when it’s happening.

As a trainer, I learned a lot about Programming. How to program a workout for optimal results. Set into cycles. One building off of the next. But there’s also a cycle of rest and recovery that is necessary or you’ll over-train and burn out.

I thought about that the other day when my inner voice told me to please rest.

Recover.

Be OK with the ever evolving challenges presented when you start over and rebuild a life.

Stop trying to help everyone else and work on my own struggles.

The stuff exercise can’t fix.

Nor food.

I am happy, that I know…but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy all the time. I don’t have to spin it back to positive within every experience. I can honour that it’s hard to learn how to live after divorce. It’s hard to open yourself up again.

It’s just hard.

And that’s OK.

I’m going to have the courage to sit in the shit.

Be who I inherently am within.

Give myself permission to grieve, feel anger and hurt.

And then keep on moving forward.

Maybe that’s what life is….A series of cycles of amazing good, and equally amazingly difficult.

All of which mould one’s character and create a depth of beauty within the spirit.

Of loss and renew.

A heart growing in strength because of resistance to stagnancy and complacency.

I’m going to just surrender to it all and keep my faith in my higher power.

Trust my instincts.

Trust others again.

Know my worth; not just as a female, but as a person. (Side note: It’s funny, when I look back to just a couple of years ago and realize the weight I placed on my actually weight. It all seems so insignificant and silly.) 

Understanding that there is a great purpose for my life. For your life. For all of creation.

The summer of surrender and acceptance….

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Weeds in Life

I was weeding my yard pathway the other day. These weeds are tricky! Resilient and every time I think I’ve taken care of them, they multiply and up pop more. I’ve sprayed them, yanked them out by the root, and willed them to go away. I don’t have much of a green thumb, the pretty stuff I want to grow doesn’t; but I recognize it’s because I haven’t given them the care they need.

As I was weeding, it occurred to me that weeds are much like negative thoughts, low-vibe feelings (anger, jealousy, envy, contempt, apathy, guilt). They easily replicate, and if left unchecked, they can take over.

The beauty plants are the positive thoughts/feelings…high-vibes (gratitude, love, self-awareness, empathy, compassion, confidence, pride, generosity, synchronicity, harmony, happiness) The high-vibe will grow and thrive, but you have to take care and devote time for them to flourish. They are intentional and take conscious awareness. They are planted for purpose.

So what am I feeding every day?

Be aware of my thoughts.

Thoughts turn into actions.

I am a walking, breathing, acting symbol of my internal dialogue.

Life always comes with a little weeds, but it’s my responsibility to plant the good stuff. With care and respect for myself and those within my circle.

Have a great day! Feed the good stuff.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

 

 

The Trap of Self-Deprecation

I was outside weeding my yard the other day, and I stopped to chat with a neighbour. She told me she was going to a woman friendly gym now. She expressed that she wasn’t comfortable working out in the “muscle head” zone and was happy to find a place to sweat with just women.

And it got me thinking that I was very thankful that I found my comfort in the gym I go to; where both men and women sweat freely.  But it also made me think about the fact so many find the gym atmosphere intimidating; and I was one of those once.  I tried to remember how that view evolved for me. Because it was a slow evolution into confidence.

Again, it comes down to a shift in my perception away from athstetics to training for my health and vitality. Learning to love my body for what it can do vs. how I “look”. These legs can run, these arms can embrace, this core keeps me stable, this back allows me to bend down and pick things up. Functionality to enjoy life better.

With that in mind, I went to my gym. I saw a regular there, and we paused to chat briefly.

She explained to me her challenges within her training, specifically around the body parts she wasn’t happy with. “bat wings” and if she dieted to lose more weight, it would affect how her ass looked. It made me uncomfortable to reduce her body to outward appearance, but more so I was uncomfortable because that’s the trap I have fallen into personally…the self-deprecating trap.

I’m writing about the woman’s point of view; because I am one. 😉 I’m sure men deal with this in a different manner. There was a moment within our exchange where I  could have validated the self-deprecation by adding in my own insecurities about my body. But at that moment, I made a conscious decision not to.

I said in reply “I think you look amazing. You see yourself differently than I do. And I am happy with my body”.

Because I have learned to be. Happy with who I am at whatever weight or level of fitness I happen to be at. Fitness is my outlet to pour whatever I happen to be going through…stress, anxiety, determination, the urge to push myself and see what I’m capable of, internal conflict…and spin it back to good vibes. I don’t care how I look while I’m doing it.

I have learned my worth is not determined by my frame; or the way my butt looks in a pair of jeans. But that sure is the marketing specifically targeting women “10 tips to get a lifted butt” —-> I’d probably get more traffic to this post if I labelled it that.

OK, let’s get real for a moment here, will the quality of my life be any more fulfilled if in fact my butt was lifted? ha!

And as women, wouldn’t it be better to skip the self-deprecating bullshit we impose, and just love ourselves in all the levels body/mind/soul?

How are we supposed to teach our daughters self-respect and worth if we are picking apart our own bodies in the mirror every day?

So I make a conscious effort to give myself a nod in the mirror. To look at my body in a way of love, and respect for the vehicle it is. A vehicle to take me places, love others deeply, and explore this world.  Going to the gym allows me to build a strong foundation to move more effectively and efficiently in everyday life tasks.

I hope to be able to explore life further when I actually have money saved to do so, and I recognize that’s in my later years.

If you don’t use it you will lose it.

I want to be Betty White old. Full of vitality!

Lift to build muscle. Eat quality to fuel your daily activity. Run/move to feel alive and because I’m able. Read this for further perceptive: https://reclaiminglifeblog.com/2015/03/25/the-face-of-ms/

But I refuse to stand in a gym and talk about all the things I don’t like about my body. It’s a disrespect to myself and devalues the totality of the woman I am, which has little to do with my bat wings or my not-so-lifted-tush.

That’s all I have to say about that!

From my heart to yours,

Christine