Tag: Divorce Advice

The 3 Sentences my Kids Need to Hear

Published on by Christine2 Comments

The first time I wrote a blog post, there was a generic heading “Hello World!”  A coming out of trepidatious opinion within a kismet of understanding of another’s blog world.

You are not alone.

I feel much the same feelings as I write this post.

“Hello World. It’s me Christine. Writing something that is incredibly hard to articulate, yet I’m pretty sure others can relate. I’m raw with layers of regret and shame interwoven into the complicated fabric that is Mothering.”

I do believe we all do our very best given the tools we have. And I have been grappling with the loss of time with my son who graduated this year within Covid-learning-from-home and left my nest for another nest. He left so gradually I didn’t even realize he left; which brought me to a whole new level of sadness.

This is the hard part to share, because it’s intensely personal to my family and my heart. Through my grief I traced it back to the root, and I’m sharing because I know Mom shame is all so destructive and common.

You see, when my son was 4; he had a seizure on the driveway while I was carrying in groceries. I missed it.

While I was packing groceries away in my fridge, my neighbour’s son witnessed it, who alerted his Mom, who alerted me. We had (continue to have) this nice little protective U-shaped community of mothering one another’s most valuable treasures.

I’ve never come to terms with missing that moment. I feel like maybe I would have understood better if the fall he took off his bike caused the seizure, OR he fell because of a seizure. I didn’t witness it; so I don’t know. And when the doctor asks you questions, and you relay back to him the account of your sweet neighbour 5 year old’s eyes…Well, that’s just heart-breaking and too much pressure for young kids to detail.

As a Mom; it’s within those moments you seek clarity and compassion from your circle of friends who support you over coffee as the brow furrows, and the shoulders rise. You serve the shame, and they ease the pain with a “Oh hun, how could you have known that would happen?” The easing of Mom hearts melded with guilt yet paved with compassion.

Fast forward to further seizures in the year that followed, he and I would travel for tests at the U of A. A spider web of wires over spiked adolescent hair weaved with medical goop to gather results. The tests were extensive and thorough with a diagnosis of Epilepsy which also affected his sleeping patterns and learning. I switched modes from Mom to advocator in his school as his teacher often asked “are you ensure he is getting enough sleep as he’s often tired.” With the help of the principal, we contacted the Epilepsy Association who brought in a puppet show to the school to educate those around him. This furthered labelled him. I realize that now.

And so began our journey of son wanting to explore, and Mom needing to implore protection. The various vehicles of play: Water, biking, unsupervised playground visits were all now dangerous. Even a bath was out of the question.

You see it just wasn’t fair to him…he wore a light in his eyes, a natural problem-solver, a seeker of exploration fuelled by a wild imagination.

I wish epilepsy was never his childhood reality of 4 pills a day and a Mom always at bay. I literally stalked him for much of his childhood.

When he was a teen, on the direction of his doctors,  we weaned him off the medications as it can be something children outgrow. After an intense monitoring year, he was still seizure free. Thank the Lord.

You see, I thought that would be our hurdle to overcome. I thought that would allow us to breathe and relax into a different dynamic between me and my amazing son.

Yet, those early years created a dynamic that I am now trying to repair. Today, he’s a young adult. Graduated. He’s spreading his wings, and leaving my nest. The sadness I feel is within grieving moments I wish I had given him as a child, carefree and without such stringent monitoring through my fear.

While I could not have changed his reality; I could have changed my approach to it. I’m really sorry for that.

I had a conversation with my trusted friend and confidant around the campfire the other night. I told him all I was feeling. I poured out all the shame and pain, and within the complex layers of mother guilt; he could relate as a parent and shared his own shame. Huh, apparently shame is not boxed into one gender or generation…Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents, Great-Grandparents, *insert pivotal role in a child’s life here. Yes, we can all relate.

As a society, it’s hard to talk about shame, but it’s actually the freedom from it. We need to talk, share within commonality, express compassion to one another, and create an atmosphere safe for the parent-confessions.  As Dr. Jody Carrington says “Drop your Shoulders”.

And it dawned on me so clearly at that moment by the fire; I never related how I was feeling to my own childhood and further to that…my parent’s childhood. The common thread of parenting. I am not going to blame my own childhood for any of my parenting choices, but what I feel convicted to do is own my role and shift the cycle.

Stay with me here…

As much as I can sit and lament about my son leaving my nest and choosing his father’s home, I realized my Mom felt the same way with me. She can relate to that gross feeling of abandonment (it even feels gross to type it). You sit and wonder within the missing. Will my child see the love, effort, pain, and sacrifice? Will they forget me because I’m quite possibly a huge pain in their ass (quite probably)?

I nag.

I probe.

I ask too many questions.

I worry incessantly.

But I love feircly.

If you are a parent, you have made mistakes.

We are all children of parent(s) who made mistakes.

Our parent’s parents made mistakes.

While we can look at it as the cycle of blame-the-parent or the ex-partner who you share parenting roles, there is one element I am embracing and changing for myself.

I clearly need to seek self-compassion for the shame I feel within my mothering; but also within my own childhood choices of spreading my wings as I left the nest. Sometimes I showed one parent more compassion than the other which was a purely selfish need of a teen choosing the path of least resistance and seeking approval of whichever parent dolled it out more effortlessly.

But here’s my fireside revelation…the note I wrote in my phone. The thing I need to say most to my son (and all of my children)…

I’m sorry.

I love you.

I’m here for you.

It really is that simply, and a straight-from-my-heart-starting-point to drop our shoulders. Spoken in love and understanding.

Ok, I’m learning my friends. While I understand my choices, reactions and circumstances at the time of my children’s experiences through out their childhood (and my young parenting life), it does not negate the fact they did not deserve to shoulder that. I’m so sorry you had to deal with feelings that are hard to process, but I’m here for you! Never forget that. 

Remember the day you realize your parents are flawed individuals and are just trying to do their best? For me, that day swiftly arrived when my own experiences mirrored that of their parents. Ahhhh, I get it now.

Through my shame (which can be oh so devastating depending how I work through it)  I am seeking responsibility for my part. I made mistakes within my parenting. I will not blame that on the situation I was dealing with at the time. While I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time, hindsight and wisdom through experience has allowed me vision through new eyes. It does not denounce the pain my kids went through. So “I’m sorry” is something  that I am learning carries with it a lot of power and freedom from the shame and blame. And I truly mean it.

I’m sharing this today because I believe we do not talk about this enough, parent to parent. Let’s talk about our sadness, fears, looking back through the years now that we’ve gained wisdom and clarity. Pass on the lessons.

I need to share this with my son as well when the time is right. And I will. He’s been very open with his trials, and we have had times of awkward laughter when we don’t know how to communicate (yet an unspoken commonality of feeling). Perhaps frustrated, yet with a whole lot of love and care for one another’s heart. I understand his need of space and time to find his way, to connect with all sides of his family without guilt that he’s “choosing”  (I needed the same).

I love my children to the ends of this earth, even within the shame…we have that common thread.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

10 tips on Staying Sane Through a Divorce

Published on by Christine2 Comments

Further to my last post (which was pretty heavy, I promise this one is back on track with the uplifting), I was thinking about all the helpful tips and advice I received from others who have traveled this path as well.

So if you are on this road too, here’s some tips that just may help you too.

1: Put on lipstick everyday.  This is just an euphemism for getting up out of that comfy bed, getting dressed in whatever clothes make you feel awesome, and walking out the door with your head held high. There’s a saying to dress for the job you want. It’s kinda like that, but it will make you feel put together. Trust me, it helps. This tip came from a very dear friend courtesy of her divorce attorney. lol

2: Watch this: http://www.littlethings.com/truth-bomb-mom-good-enough/  So good.

3: Listen to amazing music, the kind that lifts your spirit and you can’t sit still. Your shoulders dance on their own. Music is pretty healing to the soul.

4: Surround yourself with uplifting people.  I have the most supportive, uplifting circle of friends and family. And believe me, when you go through this, you won’t have to wonder who your true friends are. It will naturally evolve. The ones who want to walk out of your life will, and let them. Wish them well. Never chase anyone.  Aaaaand you will make new friends…like-minded ones because you are finding yourself and becoming more authentic. I recently had coffee with a new friend who reached out to me, once a stranger, simply because he wanted to surround himself with uplifting people. He told me I carried that positive vibe, and that’s how our friendship started. Though the power of positive. And we only talk about positive uplifting thingies every now and then when we need a pick-me-up. So go find those people who make you feel awesome, and make them feel awesome too.

5: Give Zero Fucks what anyone thinks of you. Seriously, that time has past…there is nothing more humbling than going through a divorce and the stigma that goes along with it. lol Spend time every. single. day. on your goals and aspirations for your future. And then trust your inner instinct. The haters are going to hate. That’s just how it is. This was a fact before you got divorced. So let it go…
toodalooo

6: Give it a year. Oh man, I heard this from so many people, and at the beginning a year sounded like 10 years. It’s so true though! Trust that within one year’s time, you will feel better. You will have a confident handle on your new normal. And you will have fought to etch out your very own life built the way you want it. You may not be there now, but you will be. You will be OK. Better than OK.

7: Give yourself permission to nap. This was a hard one for me, because I felt like I was failing and couldn’t understand why I was so tired all the time. But you have to understand that this process is the most emotional draining process I have ever met. So be gentle with yourself. Rest when you can. Don’t feel guilty about it. And then get up and put on lipstick 😉

8: There’s a time to hermit, and there’s a time to get out and have fun. You’ll know when it’s best to do either one. Trust what you need. But whatever you do, weave some fun into your life. You need to laugh just as much as you need solace. Remember there’s a season for both.

9: Reach out to others, ask for help when needed, and talk about it. Your loved ones want to be there, and if they haven’t reached out in the way you thought, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. Many people don’t know what to say, or what you need. So be blunt about what you need. Talk. Talk. Talk.

10: Start saying No. You are in a different season of life, you can’t give to others like you used to. It feels selfish, but think about your energy reserves like a gas tank. You only have so much of it for the day. Use it up on where you NEED to. Your kids, your career, life tasks, the essentials in life. And whatever you have left, make sure you give to yourself too. Staying on track with my fitness was essential in this process. It empowered me. Made me feel alive, even when I was numb.  You will get back to a place where you are able to give again, but give it time. And everyone around you will just have to deal. lol

I wish you much healing, self-love and discovery through your journey! Be kind to you. You got this. 🙂

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Post that took a Year to Write: On Divorce

Published on by Christine14 Comments

On Separation and Divorce

November, 2015

I don’t know where to start this post, because within these words there is much heart-break and grief. This path I’ve watched many go down; empathized with, cried with, and yearned to understand…has not prepared me for actually walking this path myself.

If a friend or family member confided in me their decision to separate from their marriage, I would always meet the pain in their gaze with an “I’m so sorry, What happened?”. Now while I was always very sorry, I should have said: “I’m sorry for the pain you are going through right now, I wish you peace and understanding and I will fully support your family in whatever decision you make.”  What I didn’t fully comprehend at the time, was that their decision to separate is not one anyone makes without a whole lot of soul-searching and thought. Sometimes it’s the only decision left to make. That doesn’t mean they aren’t hopeful for a reconciliation, or maybe they are hopeless. And it certainly doesn’t mean the good memories within the marriage aren’t cherished.

The details are no one’s business, but if you love that person…their hurting heart is the only thing one should be concerned about. Anyone going through this simply wants your unconditional support and love without judgements.

I know separation is different for every couple who has gone through it. Some are filled with anger and bitterness. And others, speaking for myself, are filled with resolute sadness that you just can’t seem to verge paths and walk the same one.

There is moving forward within my home, even through the sadness. There is communication and positive co-parenting in my home as we try to prepare our children for a new normal.

I’m unapologetic about this point: I do not see this as a failure. I see it as accepting him as he is, and accepting myself as I am and realizing two people have grown into authentic people who are vastly different yet still deserving of the same respect to be who we are.

I have no idea what my future holds (and I will admit I’m scared); but I will always do my best to create the most peaceful and loving atmosphere for my children. I have learned that sometimes…that means creating two loving and peaceful atmospheres.

I look forward to writing more and finding me through it all. I wouldn’t take anything back from all the years we spent together, all the good and the difficult too. I respect it all.

I know I need to honour this pain. No masking it with anything (especially food, which I have done in the past). I need to sit in it. Feel it. Go through it one day at a time. Grow within it. And have faith that at the end of it all, I will find peace. I will find me again.

So as part of the process, I’ve decided to write a summary of monthly experiences as I’m going through it. I share this because I have learned a very important lesson. Divorce is often a taboo subject within conversation; but now that I’m here, I have had many authentic conversations with others going through it who had once kept their thoughts within. And on the flip side, I’ve also encountered judgement and withdrawal of support.

I am slowly gaining confidence within my voice. Long ago I promised myself that I will always share the vulnerable stuff if it will help another move forward as long as I’m sharing my personal experience and not another’s. And oh my…It’s not easy to be vulnerable.

I started this post while it was still fresh, and came back to it at the end of each month.  So here is one year of grieving, dealing, moving forward, and finding me as I start over.

November/15: I slept through as much of November as I could, awakened by the pain of heart ache, fear and responsibility. I couldn’t talk to anyone, closed my door to friends and family, didn’t answer my phone. I gave all my energy to my kids. I looked for a job, and stumbled on a cool opportunity. A role to play a Mom in a marketing video for a Town Christmas event. It was actually empowering to play a role when I was unsure of my own. Small step forward.

December/15: I isolated and cried through December and refused to look at the Christmas tree adorned with years of ornaments; each with their own story of a lifetime of memories built on a foundation that crumbled away.

January/16: I worried, planned, thought and wrote while sitting in the same chair through much of January. I closed my door and my heart to everyone. My best friend Darina was my life line and encouraged me out of that stupid chair.

February/16: I picked myself up in February with the constant that has sustained me and gave me daily purpose: Fitness and uplifting others. Onwards and upwards. I got a job! An amazing job that fits my personality perfectly. Even though I may struggle behind closed doors with the weight of this transition, I am able to channel it into happy, positive, and uplifting at work. It’s authentic joy within purpose and my smile couldn’t be any bigger while I work. I also continued photographing happy families and respected their connection even more. I took to Facebook to announce our divorce because it was like a cruel groundhogs day of awkward face-to-face encounters with friends who didn’t know. It was more awkward for them as I fumbled with words. It’s very hard to maintain any dignity and grace within this process. I’m trying.

March/16: I poured myself into work and my kids. I am a better Mom! I’m tuned in and there is laughter and a whole bunch of active chaos in my home. I dance while I cook again. Not great dancing mind you, but I realize I do love to cook. My kids are amazing little/big people. They are everything to me and the reason I will always strive to just be better. I’m so sorry for their pain, and I will do everything I can to make their world safe and happy. And happiness is not found within “stuff”. Simplifying has been a blessing. I turned 40. Not a fun day lol, but my friends invited me over and surprised me with a birthday celebration. Thank you.

April/16: This is the month of high-highs within my career and finding Me again…and low-lows as we start the divorce mediation process.  I can’t explain the range of emotions sitting across a mediation table from your former partner you once shared a life with.  Six months ago, he would have been the first person I called to vent/cry/talk about a life-changing experience like this. So odd.  Divorce feels like a death. One day they are there, the next day they are gone. I learned painful lessons about letting go of friendships that are not serving our best interests. Yes, both sides. Within letting go, I realized my ex-husband and I are dealing with the break down of our marriage with as much respect as we can even through a whole lot of pain. I wish those who I once shared my heart with could separate that we are two people both deserving of understanding and support. I was raised to be a good friend…loyal to a fault. Cutting people out is not in my nature, but why hang onto someone who flippantly sensationalize the details of our divorce within their conversations. That’s not a true friend. So let go and let God. I know some of those people will find their way to this blog post. I wish you well.

May/16: The month of financial disclosure within the mediation process. Finding documents that were once filed away with different intentions. A snapshot of the life we built together for 23 years, reduced to numbers and graphs. The weight of preparing it all was wearing on me daily. A task I could not run from or procrastinate away. I counteracted my stress with runs in the sun and strength training.

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June/16: The month of showing up to old experiences and traditions alone. For example: a baseball game that actually fell on my day off. I was surrounded by parents there together. I felt like I had a spotlight on me: “I’m here alone!” I found a weird strength within it as I was questioned by a parent on where I had been for other games. “I was working” I told her. She turned to her Father (who asked me if I even knew what number my son wore on his jersey)…”See, she wasn’t here because she was working, I’m sure she wanted to be.”  Like I owed her an explanation for my absence; her mother soul needed to know that I too had a mother soul and not one of absence for my own selfish needs. I became defiant within my confidence that I was a great Mom. I sat a little taller in my chair and cheered a little louder.  Near the end of the month, my daughter and I shared a picnic blanket and lunch at the end of the school wind up. It was a peaceful hour under the shade of a big oak tree.  This was also the month I found my voice in an unexpected way, a TV interview for Global about losing the weight and keeping it off. I wanted to turn it down as it scared me. I knew I HAD to do it because of the level of fear I had. The result of the interview brought many like-minded people into my world, and new clients at the studio where I train. Very thankful.

July/16: I travelled to my happy place in July to visit friends who are my chosen family. Us 5 friends (“PACCS”) get together for 1 week every year doing nothing which is everything. We laughed until our stomachs hurt, uplifted one another through tears of love and support, and sat in comfortable silence (and we drank great wine and ate amazing food). I woke up daily knowing exactly who I am and what I want in life. I was confident in the relationships I want to work on, the ones who give just as much as I do. And understood the ones I needed to let go. I found my peace and zen within friends who know me better than I know myself. This was also the month of our wedding anniversary. Sixteen years. It was a very tough day and I was a mess. I grieved. The next day, I woke up with purpose, straightened my crown and went for a  long run in the sun.

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August/16: Our first family holiday where I was without a partner. It was both healing and difficult. It started with returning to my home town for the fair. I saw many people from my past and most visits were great. I also ran into people I’ve known for years who pretended they didn’t know who I was. Let go. Head held high. The kids had a blast. So amazing to see them smile and laugh. We went to the lake to see my big loving family. I felt alone at times within groups of family whom I love. It’s not their fault at all, it’s something I need to work through. All of these firsts are hard and part of the process. I woke up earlier than everyone else everyday to read and sit on our family dock overlooking still waters of the lake I grew up on. Within the haunting beautiful sounds of the loons, I recalled good memories of my childhood, and understood the importance of building new memories. I was lost in healing reverie. My kids had the best time and spent their days laughing with their cousins exploring the beach with their toes in the sand. Oh, this is worth everything. When I returned from the lake, I felt the weight of anxiety fall on my chest like a lead vest. I had a hard time breathing through it some days. I found solace in writing, reading, praying, and talking to friends and family. There were also amazing days of peace and happiness. The kind of peaceful joy that comes from working through issues I wanted to run away from. I lived authentically. August was healing, painful, joyful, and full of old and new. I found my worth within God’s grace.

September/16:  With the changing of the leaves, September brought with it a lot of renewing of my spirit. I got into photography again full force, an area of my heart I put to the side for a while so that I could do it right with a thankful heart. There were months I just couldn’t dive into capturing other’s family love stories while I was struggling to figure out my place within my own.  But I found my love for capturing love once again. It was beautiful, empowering, promising, and soulful. I forgot how much I adore photography, how did I forget that? The kids started school and with that, came routine and balance within the hectic pace of busy.

October/16: October, full of editing, training, and learning. It’s my busy season, and there is much purpose found within intentional busy.  I’m so thankful for my career(s) and the people I’ve met through both. I realized that through my work, I am in constant contact with people who are bettering their life through health/fitness, and within capturing their love story though photography too. It’s ridiculously empowering and inspires me to work hard and keep my values and goals in check. I adore and respect these people who have come to be my friends. Their spirit feeds my own. It’s a crazy positive momentum of amazing. Through the overwhelming of a long to-do list, I found motivation. Who do I want to be? Go be that. Integrity is key.

November/16: It’s been one year. As much as it feels like 10 years of living encapsulated within 1, it also went by fast in many other ways. My days are long, not a lot of time for dwelling on anything. As I write this, I am scared to hit publish on this post. It is not my place to speak another’s story, and there are many lives intertwined within my own. My empathetic heart is overpowering; but a wise woman at the studio advised me to start living out-loud…exactly who I am on the inside. This is my truth. Scars and healing.

When I look back on this year, I have learned so much about myself and others. I can wholeheartedly say I have changed for the better. I have learned to accept others for who they are, and sometimes that means letting go. I have learned the power of surrounding yourself with positive people and influences. Within being authentically who you are, you will attract like-minded people. Words can’t describe the level of thankful I am for all the like-minded people in my life, living whole heartedly. Just trying to be better. Every. Single. Day. Not for rewards or accolades of others, but because that is what we are meant to do in life.  To grow in grace and character. Thank you so much for your impact on my life.

I hope that in sharing this, others going through this process will understand their feelings are valid, you are not alone, and most importantly you will be OK. Find YOU again. Hold your head high. Pay no attention to what other’s think about you, you know who you are within, and who you want to be. Now go be that. Live wholeheartedly. There is beauty in the breakdown. 🙂

From my healing heart to yours,

Christine