I have always wanted to learn how to meditate, however my mind is always going…thinking, thinking, thinking. The days are so busy, how am I going to etch out some time to be silent in the middle of hectic? Take today for example (and as I write this it’s not quite 2 p.m.)
I woke up this morning to my hubby whispering good-bye in my ear. The room was still dark, must have been really early. The night before we had joked that I never say anything back to him when he says his daily good-byes. In my morning slumber, I believe I do so this morning I make sure I repeat everything he said to me…attempting to say it at the exact same time. We laughed and I went back to sleep. I was awoken thirty minutes later to the sounds of my dog Teddy frantically barking as my son was playing with him in the living room. My daughter soon joined in, and within a few minutes there was the familiar song of sibling rivalry going on. Wiping sleep from my eyes, I dragged my weary legs to the kitchen to make breakfast for all three kids. They know not to talk to me first thing in the morning, they know to give me at least 10 minutes before any demands are made. Robotically, I spread peanut butter and jam on their toast. I make coffee. I need coffee.
The pace turned hectic as we rushed to get out the door for school. Homework to be found, socks to be matched, clothes and hair to be fixed. “Mom I can only find one mitt, oh and sign this sheet, also I need 2 cups of chocolate covered raisins by tomorrow for a cooking project.” my son yells to me. I think to myself: “Who cooks with chocolate covered raisins and Why don’t I get my act together and have everything organized the night before?”. One would think that would make life easier.
I opened the garage door; the chill of winter slapped us across the face as I realized that the deep freeze is still upon us. I told the kids to jump in my car. We are running late. I’m not above driving the two blocks to school just so we don’t have frozen hair and eyelashes today. There’s a lot of school traffic on cold days. There was a lady waiting to turn left at the school, meaning she had to cross the traffic. The same traffic that wasn’t moving only because she needed to make a left hand turn. Suburb deadlock. “Why must you turn left and hold up traffic lady! For the love of chocolate, just turn right and circle the block” I whispered under annoyed breath. We ran into the school, my finger tips were numb. Kisses, “I love you’s” and “you’re awesome’s” were exchanged.
I returned home to clean up from the morning rush. I feel tired and the day has just begun. E-mails to answer, phone calls to return, laundry piled up, the house in shambles, my accounting records for 2010 lay open waiting for me to finish them. “Stop taunting me accounting records. Why must the government need these?” I say out loud. I’m weird like that, I’m a talk-to-yourself-er. I want to go back to bed. I look up at the clock after the morning errands, and It’s already time to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten. In fact, I have exactly one minute to get back to the school. I can’t find my keys, why am I so absent-minded? Rush out the door.
When I get home from picking up my daughter, I have the overwhelming urge to work out. I don’t like to plan when I’m going to work out, the inner exerciser be-yatch eventually calls out. I quickly put on my workout gear, lace up my runners, grab my iPhone for music, and head to my unfinished basement to my make-shift gym (complete with non-drywalled walls). My son plays his Xbox downstairs, and there is evidence of a lounging Teenager everywhere. I clean up, muttering under my breath.
Time to run.
I find my power list on my iPod filled with music that is the perfect pace for running. Green Day, Clutch, ACDC, BEP, The Offspring, Rihanna, Muse, The Black Keys. I take a big gulp of water and turn the treadmill on for a 5 minute warmup walk. I’m stiff at first, and after my warm up I tell myself I will just run for 10 minutes. I always tell myself that, so I don’t complain. I up the pace to 6.3 and I focus on the same spot on the wall that I’ve stared at for years while I run.
I have no time to stress about my responsibilities All I can do is focus on this run, on my breathing, and on the uncomfortable feeling that is creeping into my muscles…travelling up my legs and into my lungs. I want to stop after 10 minutes, but I push that feeling out and convince myself I will run another 10 minutes. I get to 20 minutes, my legs have found their pace. I want to keep going. I want to beat my previous 5K time of under 30 minutes. Time to pick up the pace. I turn it up to 7.0 for 5 minutes (uttering a couple MF’s along the way), and back down to 6.5 for the remainder of the 5K.
The music is timed perfectly to each running step. I feel powerful, like I could do anything I set my mind to. I feel strong, proud, and in control. The more uncomfortable I feel, the more I say yes…I can do this. This is just the feeling of being alive. I can’t explain the feeling that washes over me. It is not comfortable; however I realize, this feeling is PEACE. Uncomfortable yet peaceful. Because that’s where peace lies for me…in pushing out of my comfort zone, in challenging myself, and in moving on.
While I run, I think about a friend whom I admire. She has found an amazing bright patch of happiness that she’s carved out of darkness. Does she know how amazing she is? There’s no point in keeping the good feelings within. I will tell her how amazing she is, but first I must finish this run in under 30 minutes. 🙂
When I’m done my run, I sit on my weight bench and catch my breath. I reached my daily goal. I’m smiling. I’m happy.
No stress, just strength and peace.
Life is actually a lot simpler than I think it is.
I want to continue on my day with this feeling.
Love, love, love.
Peace, peace, peace.
Maybe THIS is my form of meditation.
From my heart to yours,