Category: Digging Deeper

Confessions of a Woman

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In the past I’ve blogged a couple of these posts called “Confessions of a Mom” part 1 and part 2. Today, I’ve been thinking about not just the role of Mom, but how easy it is to lose yourself in all of the roles we have. And I’m speaking of women today, because…well since I am one, that’s what I know :).  We have roles we play: that of wife, mom, daughter, friend, business owner, employee, …whatever hat you wear.

It makes me sad when we as women tear one another down, rather than lift one another up.  Why are we so hard on each other?  I am at fault for judging another woman when I know little about her.  It’s a trait I’m aware of that I’m going to throw out the door because it’s ugly and wrong.

If we as women could be truly authentic with one another, admit our weaknesses and faults, support one another and give time to lift one another up…wouldn’t that be amazing?  We would have to lose the masks though.  You know, that mask we all wear that when we need support, and don’t ask for it.  When we are struggling in an area of our lives, but we pretend it’s OK.   Of course in life, you certainly have to be careful of who you put your trust in, but even those relationships can be authentic…just bring the REAL into it.

I asked my Husband this question not long ago:  “How many people do you have in your life that you can be totally yourself around, that you aren’t aware of how you look when they come into a room (you could be in your PJ’s, sticky uppy hair, like you just got out of bed sort of look), that you can say whatever you want to them without fear of being judged or that your comment could be taken wrong, and that you are 100% authentic with?”

His Answer?  “Everyone”  and he means it!  That’s my favourite thing about him, he is exactly who he is around everyone he comes into contact with.  How refreshing is that?

My Answer to that question?:  I have less than 10 people in my life that I’m THAT comfortable around. I want to change that though.

Now, this could be because I’m a worrier.  People really don’t care as much as I think they do about what my house looks like, or that I may resemble someone who sleeps in a box without access to shower facilities at times.  And I believe a lot of it comes from the fact that we as women are hard on one another.

Have you ever been scanned by another woman’s eyes when you enter a room?  I have and I hate it!  Now, granted who knows what she’s thinking as she’s eye scanning, but it’s a form of judgement based on my outward appearance so I don’t enjoy it.

Anywhoooo, here’s where I’m going with this!  Just in case you think otherwise, I’m going to put this out there…

I am not put together.

I have many many faults.

My office is unorganized, I have so much to do for my business as far as paper work goes that I put on the back burner.  It will get it done eventually. I’m more of a deadline crisis worker.

I am self-conscious about my appearance when I meet new people..especially women.

I am a worrier.

I feel like a failure as a Mom a lot.  I know I’m a good Mom, but I still let my kids down in some area often.

I don’t tell my husband enough that I’m so grateful for how hard he works for our family.

I am selfish of my time. I like being alone. I do. If I can go for a walk by myself, I love it.

I can’t keep up with my laundry pile. A small village of people could hide under that mound some days.

I don’t show how much I love my family enough, and when I’m in a big room of people (which accompanies my large family get togethers), I try to hide. I hate large groups…the noise level gets to me.

I am insecure at times, and other times I’m quite confident. The timing is off when I’m in certain situations so I come off as bitchy.

I know that I’ve lost the weight, but my mind doesn’t always know that.  I still feel like the big girl at times.  I’m not sure how to explain this. It is what it is.

I feel overwhelmed some days with all the things that are squeezed into my day…work, kids, daily business, e-mails, I have nothing in the fridge for supper, extra-curricular activities, homework, the phone won’t stop ringing, there’s a solicitor at my door I want to flick on the forehead, etc. On those days, I want to run out of the house for a while just until that overwhelmed feeling goes away.

I exercise more for the benefits for my mind than for my body. The stress just melts away when I’m working out. The physical pain of an intense workout is real, and when I’m done, I feel on top of the world.

Now, the purpose of these confessions is not to be down on myself, but rather to put out there a few of my struggles right now.  I look at so many women who appear to have it all together and I think what’s wrong with me!  But, the blessing I have found in finding a support network of friends where we can be 100% authentic is that they have shown me that they too struggle as much as I do.

I admire so many of the women in my life, but I forget to tell them. What good does that knowledge do when it’s never said out loud to those women. I’m going to tell them! They inspire me, motivate me, make me want to be a better person…I owe it to them to let them know that.

So, my goal for the future is to be more authentic. To put out there exactly who I am. To steal a quote from Dr. Seuss:  “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Do you have a confession to share today?  Who knows, it may not only take a load off of your mind, but it may just show another woman that we are not all perfect, we all struggle, and we can support one another…even if it’s just to laugh about it over a cup of coffee.  🙂

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Mind, Body, Spirit

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I was reminded this past month, that the quest for a balanced happy life full of purpose needs to involve not only the body, but the mind and spirit too.  It can’t just be about weighing X amount of pounds, or fitting into a certain size, it has to be more than that.  I’m not defined by what I weigh, my happiness doesn’t revolve around what the scale reads in the morning.

These three elements need to work together because when one area is lacking, the other two also shift as well and the balance just isn’t there.  The trick is to find what it is that feeds your mind and spirit too!  That special something that fills you with purpose, happiness, and thankfulness within.  It can be difficult because the demands of daily life often get in the way of taking time for yourself…which you need to do.  It’s not selfish to put value on yourself.  It’s essential.  When you are fulfilled within, you have so much more to give to others.

There are moments when I feel like a failure, when I let people down, when I feel completely overwhelmed, when I feel sorry for myself, when I lose track of what’s important in life.  Then there is a life changing event that occurs that snaps me back to reality and forces me to re-evaluate what life is all about.  That’s just life…you take the good with the bad. The hard times remind you how important it is to cherish the good times.

Life is all about perception.  We can choose to dwell on the things we wish we could change, the things that annoy us, the things that are hard to deal with.  It’s a part of everyone’s life!  Or we can choose to focus on all the amazing things in life to be valued and treasured; most importantly the relationships that are built on acceptance and love.  Surround yourself with people who bring you up and make you want to be a better person, and in exchange give that back in return to those you love.

At times I get caught up in the complaining game about the little things that put me out.  How selfish is that!  I am healthy. I have three healthy children. I have a warm home to live in. I have a big, funny, loving, supportive family. I have amazing friends.  I have a career where I get to document love and connection.  I have the freedom to choose to follow whatever path in life I like. What do I have to complain about?  Absolutely nothing!

Life is good and I want to live it! I want to truly experience the best of life.  I have found the most freedom in taking control of my health and changing my perceptions.  Life is a gift and it’s my responsibility to choose to live it with a heart full of gratitude.

When I go for a run, and my mind starts doubting that I can keep going or that it would be better just to park my butt on the couch, I just have to remind myself of my sister who can physically no longer run but would absolutely love to.  I CAN run. It’s a gift I take for granted. It’s all about perception.  It’s humbling when I actually stop and take stock of all the blessings in life that I take for granted.

So today I am going to take some time out of my day and go for a walk, and I’m going to use that time to count my blessings which are too numerous to count.  I am thankful for your support and the time you take to encourage me.  I want to encourage you as well to enjoy the amazing life you have been given, and to remember that you are loved, valued, and cherished.

And at the top of my iPod playlist today will be this song…

From my heart to yours,

Christine

A Life with Purpose

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Sometimes I lose sight of what is truly important in life.  I forget how blessed and lucky I am just to live in a free country where I’m able to express my opinions openly.  I am able to purse my passions and to go after my goals with whatever amount of energy I choose.

We are lucky my friends.

Even with this knowledge, it still doesn’t make life any less confusing at times. There were years when I didn’t have a voice.  Now  that I’ve found my voice, it’s hard to shut me up.  😉  Sometimes life is hard. It can be unforgiving in its timing.  As my Mom used to say “Who said life was fair”. Through every life event that brings a “WTF” to my lips, I have now learned that there will be great lessons that come out of it.  With every life lesson, the confusion melts away.  There is always something good to find within every bad moment.  There just is, and it’s within our power to choose to view it that way.

If you are in a place in life that holds some uncertainty, I want to encourage you to listen to that inner voice that holds within it what you truly value and treasure most in life.  Hold onto to the things that bring you the most joy and peace, and let go of the things that do not.  Remember that you are loved, you are cherished, you are valued.  Know that you are stronger than you think you are. Remember that your life is one of purpose.  The best part about life, is that each one of us get to figure out what that purpose is.

When you find your purpose in life, joy most certainly accompanies it.  I’m still not sure what my purpose is, but I do know that I find purpose in showing others what is already their reality…sometimes they just don’t see it.

I am blessed that I am able to pursue this through photography as well.  It took me years to build up the courage to follow my dream of being a photographer.  Now, if I imagine my life without photography it would be like living in a world without colour or eating foods without flavour.  Wow, would that suck! lol When I get the opportunity to photograph love, connection, and that special spirit within each person that shows who they are, there is joy and peace in my heart that I’ve never felt before.  I smile the ENTIRE time I’m taking pictures.  I can’t keep the joy inside.  I have no idea if that looks crazy to those I photograph! ha ha!

I realize more and more, that as a photographer the energy that I bring into a session is transferred to those I photograph.  This is true in life as well!  I often ask myself…am I an energy-giver today or an energy-sucker?!  Nobody wants to be an energy-sucker but it’s easy to fall into that trap sometimes when life gets hard.  If you put out the good, it will come back to you!

What is your purpose and most importantly how bad to do you want to go after it?

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Beginning

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It’s been a pattern this year to learn a life lesson from a few people all at once.

This week I’ve had the pleasure of real honest conversations with a few friends, all of whom want to make a change. I realized that I may not be putting out there the reality of how things began for me. The place I was in when I started this journey.

It hasn’t been easy.  I didn’t make the change overnight, and I still have a long way to go.  Changes on the outside begin first on the inside.  There were days, and there still are days, that I wanted to give up and go back to the familiar lifestyle that I lived for years…because there was a part of that lifestyle that felt safe.

Back when I weighed 242 pounds, even though I was miserable in my own body, I also felt comfortable in other ways.  I was OK much of the time with living on the sidelines and feeling invisible.  I was always the big girl among my group of friends and it was a role that I was used to and had accepted in many ways.

The first major hurdle when I finally decided to make a change, was realizing that I COULD make changes.   I recently found my old journal that I started in 2003.  When I read through the pages of daily records of what I ate and what I did for exercise, I realized that even at the beginning I had resigned myself that I was always going to be overweight. I randomly chose a goal weight of 180 pounds as I had a memory of once weighing that in high-school.   But even beside that declaration of goal weight, I wrote “I’m very out of shape” and “I would love to be 165 pounds” but I didn’t believe that I would actually get there.  I only wrote 180 pounds because I had read in a book that I needed some sort of goal to work towards.  In my mind, I just wanted to weigh under 200 pounds.

I remember that I tried not to think of the end goal, and would just focus on the day at hand.  Focus on upping my daily steps, fitting in a workout every morning, figuring out how to eat healthy.  I had no idea what eating healthy was about.  No clue!  But I was determined to figure it out and poured over books, health magazines, and resources online.  I was so confused over everything I read.  There were so many different opinions out there.

I decided to use common sense.  I would eat foods that came from the earth as close to their natural state as possible.  As far as the meat protein was concerned, I had read that if it swims, runs, or flies it’s more lean and has less fat content.  Made sense to me!

I also had no idea how much food to eat.  I had spent so many years never being hungry, that I didn’t really understand what it was like to just eat the proper amount to fuel the body.

I remember sitting out on the deck at our acreage, and looking out at the wildlife around me.  How is it there are no overweight animals (unless they are raised by humans)?  Because it’s instinct to know how much to eat. We lived in a society of super-size portions and we have forgotten to listen to our bodies to tell us when we are full.  I read that it takes about 20 minutes to realize you are full when eating a meal.  I started eating my meals slowly and really paid attention to when I was full…not stuffed…but rather not hungry anymore.

Drinking enough water was another issue I had!  I had no idea that my body would confuse hunger for thirst.  So I started drinking 8 glasses of water a day and I just naturally ate less.

Exercising was not easy at the beginning. I felt big, clumsy, and was worried what people would think about seeing a big girl “trying” to work out.  I worked out in my basement at the beginning and chose to jog on country roads by our acreage as it was private.  I don’t think I went into a gym until I was under 200 pounds.  Looking back, it’s too bad that I didn’t feel I had a right to be in the gym with everyone else.  When I go to the gym now and see a person struggling through a workout I have so much respect for them.  It takes real courage to put yourself out there for others to see in an area that is difficult and unfamiliar.

One of the most important steps was to find a support system. To actually declare out loud that I was going to lose the weight by changing my lifestyle.  I didn’t want to say it out loud because I thought there was a good possibility that would fail.  I forced myself out of that comfort zone, and started sharing publicly my intentions.  It was the first time I admitted to others that I wasn’t OK with being the big girl, that I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin, that I was sick of being scared to try new things.

But the truth was, I wanted to go swimming with my kids, to go to a gym and feel comfortable, to ride a bike, to walk up stairs without being winded, to walk into a clothing store and buy clothes off the rack, to feel confident when I walked into a room full of people, to wear shorts!!!!  I didn’t wear shorts for decades!

So every time I feel like I want to go back to the old way of life, I have to remind myself of where I came from, and of the sadness I carried inside that I rarely showed to others.

I exercise today not only for my body, but more for my mind.  I have NEVER felt such joy and pride within myself until I began exercising.  It just clears the mind of negativity.

So as much as I want to say that losing the weight was difficult, I also have to tell you that it was easy at the same time. It was easy because my zest and love for life was awoken and for the first time I challenged myself to never give up, to quiet the negative self-doubt, and to believe in myself.  The loss of the weight was just a tangible visual result of finding out who I was.

It doesn’t make life easier or less confusing at times but it’s a journey that continues on today. There is more life to be lived and I am lucky that I have my health and the knowledge that I am the one in control of how I chose to live it through good times and bad times.

I have this song on my iPod, and often listen to it when I run.  I’m not sure what it is about the song that is so meaningful for me, but it gives me shivers every time I hear it.  Maybe it’s because for much of my life I felt like I needed someone to “fix” me.  But I have  learned that although it’s important to lean on others for support and motivation, the responsibility to “fix” the areas of my life that require change ultimately comes from within.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Living in the Moment

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I was talking to a dear friend of mine the other day, and I was immediately struck that what I see within her and what she sees within herself are totally different.

This is how I view her.

A stunning and talented self-less mother who would do anything for her family.  She puts the needs of everyone else before her own.  Her vivacious personality is matched to her beauty. She has no idea how amazing she is.

I have had conversations over the past two weeks with a few women.  There was a universal theme for all of us.  We feel stuck in some area of our lives, and don’t know how to move out of it.

It happens so often to me. I’m in a stage of life, and rather than enjoying the stage I’m at now, I’m looking ahead to the next stage.  The problem with that is I don’t live in the moment and miss valuing the great events happening NOW.  It’s only after I’ve moved onto the  next stage that I realize I should have enjoyed the previous stage because now it’s passed me by.  Does that ever happen to you?

It’s tough sometimes to find the balance between moving forward and enjoying the moment. When you are constantly looking ahead and wondering how you are going to arrive at whatever destination you’ve deemed as the “end goal” it’s overwhelming.  It also brings with it a feeling of failure because we aren’t at the stage we want to be.

I realized this week, that sometimes moving forward means focussing on the now.  The stage of life I am in at this moment.  When I say that out loud, I feel freedom to just enjoy life rather than wish I was doing something more with it.  There are so many ways to enjoy the now.

Here I go again, pushing the exercise wagon…but seriously, it only takes a 1/2 hour of exercise to change my mindset.  Eating the right foods gives me energy.  You couple exercise and eating healthy and it’s a recipe for feeling value and pride in ones self.  As moms we often put ourselves last, but taking time for ourselves is essential and allows us to give more of ourselves to those we love.  Really, the most important thing in life is family.

Find the things that bring you the most joy to your heart…and run with it.  We only have the one life to live…we often forget that until we’ve lost someone we love. It’s completely in our control how we chose to live it.  Life is about choices and we know deep inside which choices are the best for ourselves and those we value most.  Pay attention to that inner voice, and enjoy the ride.

For the Bon Jovi fans out there… 🙂

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Confessions of a Former Couch Potato

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I went for a run a few times these past couple of weeks.  The hardest part of any run is taking the initiative to put on my running shoes.

The last couple of times I ran my 5 Km route, I found it tough for a couple of reasons.

1. I was chased by a flock, a pack, a herd (whatever they are called when there are too many to count) of hissing Geese.  Add to that my fear of birds and feathers and it was quite the traumatizing experience.  I gave them my crazy eyes and ran for the hills screaming on the first 10 strides.  On the upside, I improved my pace on that particular Km by a minute.

2.  I had a hard time running the entire time.  My legs felt like I had strapped weights to them.  I forced through it, but it wasn’t easy where it has been easier on other runs.

As I pushed through it, the discouraging thoughts kept running through my head…

“Run faster”

“Your pace is slow, pick it up”

“Other people run this route minutes faster than you”

Yes, my internal banter is odd.  But a few minutes after all of the discouraging stuff I realized this and actually said it out loud…

“You’re a former Couch Potato, be proud, you are running 5K”

When I first started this journey I couldn’t run more than 30 seconds without everything in me screaming to stop.

Running does not come naturally to me.  I worked up to running 1 minute, walking 5 minutes over the length of 30 minutes.  Then I worked up to 2 min. run/5 min walk.  Then 2 min. run/2 min. walk.  Then 5 min. run/2 min. walk…and so on until I could eventually run for 10 minutes straight…then 20 minutes…then 30 minutes…then 45 minutes…and my next goal is to run for a full hour.

I used to live my life on the sidelines.  I didn’t think there would ever come a time that I would be a runner, or a writer, or a photographer, or even confident in my own skin for that matter.

I believe healthy competition is good for the soul and can drive you further.  But comparing yourself to anyone else is not productive in anyway.

We are all different, have different strengths and weaknesses, and different goals.

Last night during my run, I spent the first 2.5 Km discouraged, and the last 2.5 Km proud at the progress I’ve made over the past 5 years.

I can tell you that the first half of my run was harder than the last half. I actually ran the last half with a big smile plastered on my face and pride in my heart.

Life is good, especially when you stop looking at it from the sidelines and actually jump in and live it.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Finding Beauty in the Everyday

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“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Herman Cain

This quote is so true!  When I think back to the time in my life when I demanded change from within, it was because I wasn’t happy with the choices I was making in life and as a result, it translated negatively into many areas of my life.  When you finally get to the point where your desire, need, and vision of a different future is greater than staying on the same course that clearly isn’t working, that’s when change truly happens.  When your desire to pursue your dreams to be the person you KNOW you can be takes over, there is no stopping the wheels of change. The positive momentum carries you forward and little by little life begins to take shape in a way that it hasn’t in the past.

I’ve needed some extra motivation and inspiration lately, and I’m so thankful that I have amazing people in my life that continue to support and constantly remind me what is truly important in life.

I have to confess that I’ve been struggling lately with finding the almighty, seemingly unachievable balance.  My life is overwhelmingly busy right now.  It seems that the only time I have to myself is after the kids are in bed, and by then I’m tired!  I have missed out on my workout nights for a while now.  I decided last night, I needed to drop everything and go for a 5K run.  It took seconds for a huge smile to return to my face.  There’s a feeling when I run that I can’t get from anywhere else.  It’s both uncomfortable and completely freeing at the same time.

I’m once again reminded to do the things that bring the most joy and pride to my heart.  It’s important to create an environment that is the most conducive to keeping the positive in, while at the same time keeping the negative out.  Sometimes that feels selfish, but it’s an area that has taken me years to realize is essential in order to maintain a positive and healthy lifestyle.  But I also realize that positivity starts first with me.  I haven’t been as positive as I should be lately.

If you are struggling right now, I want to encourage you.  We are all stronger than we even realize.  We rarely tap into our true potential for fear of failure or because it’s difficult!  The best rewards in life come with hard work, dedication, and stick-to-it-iveness (yes I’m sure that’s a word). I believe you have to embrace failure to not only be successful, but to truly appreciate it!  It takes time to figure out the right path because we are all unique, so it only make sense that each of our paths are different.  We all fail!  It’s part of life and the sweet taste of success is seasoned with failure.

Change can be so scary.  I so often hold back because of fear of the unknown.  But change is necessary.  A good life is about learning, earning, and yearning (I think I read that somewhere once).

So, today I am going to stop in the midst of the busy, and find a bit of peace that’s essential to the heart and soul.  I think the reason I’m so completely addicted to photography, is because it’s the constant drive to find beauty and magic in the every day.  To walk into a venue that is common to the eye, and find angles and  yummy dreamy light that you miss unless you look for it is mighty delicious.  We so often miss the beauty that is all around us.

You see, one of the greatest blessing photography has brought into my life is that many people don’t realize how unique, amazing, and beautiful they truly are.  Their eyes hold a story…some of pain, some of innocence, some of wisdom, and some of joy…but all are authentically beautiful and deserve to be captured.

Different is Beautiful.

Coming through adversity a better person is Beautiful.

Change and growth is Beautiful.

Quirky is beautiful.

I have great memories attached to this song (although there are many opinions about what this song is really about)…it makes me break out into shoulder dance…that’s a good thing! 🙂

I hope you find beauty in the everyday.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Define “Succeeding”

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I just have to post this today!  So often I hear people get down on themselves in the area of weight loss because they aren’t seeing the results they were expecting.   Yes, I’ve been there, and still go there from time to time BUT one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that you have to redefine what you class as “Succeeding”.

What if succeeding is defined as challenging yourself and taking positive steps towards a healthier you?  What if you felt like you were succeeding just by lacing up your running shoes and going for a walk or by choosing a healthier choice for lunch?

The problem with viewing being successful in relation to a goal as getting to the finish line (whatever that is for you) is that there is long journey to get there.  No wonder people feel like throwing in the towel before they start.  It’s too much!

Choosing to live a healthier lifestyle means living!  Be proud of yourself daily when you make positive choices.  The idea of  feeling pride only when you reach the end is depriving yourself of so many celebrations along the way.

Here’s what I know.

If you continue to make positive choices…you will see positive results.  Positive In, Positive Out.  It’s a fact. They may not happen in the time frame your mind wants them too, but they WILL happen.

If you want results a little faster, than move more..eat less.  It’s that simple.  Find out what works for you.  Pursue it with passion and drive.

Sometimes we just have to redefine success in our minds.  There is no “end”.  It’s a lifetime of taking better care of yourself  but guess what?! That’s exciting!  The moment you wrap your mind around that, is the moment you have succeeded.  Isn’t that powerful?!  I’m excited for you!

You will feel successful every day you treat yourself a little better…and that can come in all forms through: The mind, the body, and the soul.  Find those things that bring happiness and meaning into your life and enjoy them!

I will leave you with some music I love!  Mumford and Sons are so different and the lyrics within their music are so powerful!  Also give a listen to “Little Lion Man” by Mumford and Sons.  Love, love, love them 🙂

From my heart to yours,

Christine

5 Year Anniversary!

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Today marks 5 years of being at my goal weight!  I am so thankful and happy that I’m still there!

It seems fitting today, that I recount some important life lessons I have learned over these past 5 years.

I have learned…

I COULD do it!  What a revelation after years of being stuck at a place I didn’t want to be.

I was waaaaay stronger than I realized.  I had no idea I could exercise with results and actually learn to love it.  I finally found the courage to challenge myself, and soak up the benefits.

I am not defined by being the fat girl.  What I portrayed on the outside did not match what I felt on the inside.  It’s not about what I weigh now or then, it’s about taking control, loving who I am/was, and taking the steps to being the person I wanted to be.

The biggest obstacle I had to overcome was my negativity and the way I used to cast blame on others.   It’s all on me.  There will always be a reason not to do something that is difficult.  Life is busy.  So what. I had to put my big girl panties on and just deal with it.  Ha ha! There will never be a “right” time.  The right time is now.

I am weak, and I am strong….It’s OK to be weak because on the flip side of the coin, I am strong.  Yin/Yang.

Judging others based on how they look, what they wear, how they chose to live their lives is just plain ridiculous and takes away from the only thing I should worry about…and that’s my own choices.

This is me now….a girl that still sports tummy rolls and stretch marks.  They are a story of where I have come from.  I earned them.

There will always be some people who don’t support your goals and dreams…but there are many people who do.  Value the ones who do, and don’t worry about the ones who don’t.  You have no idea where they are coming from and what they have been through in their lives. Most of the time it isn’t even personal.

Positive OUT…Positive IN.  The best things in life have come when I put the positive out first.

It’s not about losing weight.  Losing the weight is a result of taking control back.   I prefer to think of it as a bonus.

I am thankful for the place I’ve come from….

And for the place I’m at now…a place where I get to support others in their goals and dreams while I continue to pursue my own.

Thank you to everyone that had a part in supporting me.  I appreciate you and your giving hearts.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Tough Time Finding Words

Published on by Christine6 Comments

The story you tell about yourself becomes the life you live! If u want a different life begin telling a new story! #The Daily Love

I’m finally at a loss for words!!! ha ha   I never thought that would happen!

I recently attended the PPOC Exposure Photography Symposium.  It was an incredible week-end.  Each of the 4 days were filled with learning, connecting, and reflection.  There were 4 amazing speakers…check out their work if you are interested in photography (or even if you’re not!)  Chris Keating, Tyler Meade, Scott Robert Lim,  and Dane Sanders.

So why am I posting what I have learned at a photography symposium on my Reclaiming Life blog?

Because…

it

touched

my

heart

The mood in the room changed with each day we shared together and we became more of a community.  Dane Sanders was the speaker on the final day.  The tag line on his website reads “Discover what’s inside” and I now have a clear understanding that that is exactly what he does for the people he connects with .  From the start of the day he encouraged us to “go all in”, to commit (because opportunities pass!) and to participate in the discussion.   With each moment that passed, and with each person that had the courage to share their story, I could feel people letting their guard down.   I listened to others share why they got into photography.  Everyone has a story, and it touched my heart to hear each story that was shared.  Throughout the day, he also encouraged us to share a declaration if we had any sort of revelation after taking in all the info.

I did have a revelation, but sadly I did not have any plans to share it!   Wouldn’t you know it, my hand shot up before my mind caught up to it.  You see, I don’t speak in public…unless I have to (I’m taken right back to the 4H speaking days) so I guess my heart felt I HAD to share.

So here is what I realized that day.  While I can’t remember exactly what I shared because I was so emotional, it was something like this…

My name is Christine and I spent many years weighing 250 pounds.  For years I felt invisible and was scared to face my weight issue.  I woke up one day and decided to change my life.  I quit my job and spent a year working on myself.  There was a moment when I still weighed in the 200’s that I realized I was going to get to my goal weight.  There was no doubt in my mind.  I was going to do it.  I have realized that I still feel 250 pounds when it comes to my photography.

Along with these words came a steady flow of tears.  I shared that insight with 100+ other photographers in the room…most of whom I didn’t know, but who’s work I admire so much.  It was tough being vulnerable, but I felt completely safe sharing in that room and I was not alone in my tears.  There is something that happens when people let their guard down…you enter into a Real and Authentic relationship.

What came next after sharing my ‘lil revelation, was something I wasn’t prepared for.   I had a hard time taking it in.  Dane asked me to close my eyes while he shared uplifting words he saw within me.  I cried all the way through them.  Words like Strong and Inspirational.

You see, even though I no longer weigh 250ish pounds, I am stuck back there in my mind from time to time.  I KNOW what the scale says, and I can see that my clothes are no longer a size 20.  I can obviously see that, but my mind is often stuck back at 250.  It is the story that I’ve been telling my mind that is holding me back.

How does it feel to be stuck in that place?  It feels defeating.  It’s a place that lacks drive because fear comes first. It’s a place of self-doubt, “I can’t do it”, and maybe tomorrow.  Opportunities pass that should be pursued but I convince myself that taking risks isn’t worth the feeling of defeat if I fail.   Saying it out loud makes me realize how ridiculous it is to waste any amount of time in that negative place.

I  realized that the story I’ve been telling my mind is a lie and this lie has translated into choices in my life or rather lack of positive choices!   I am no longer holding back on living my life because of fear.  I have realized that by sharing both my struggles and successes that it gives others permission to share their story with me as well.  It brings forward relationships that are built on authenticity, honesty, and acceptance.

My story isn’t built on the foundation of fear because what starts in fear, ends in joy.

No more excuses.

No more waiting for positive things to come to me, I am going to just be positive.  I have learned that when you put positive out, positive will come in!

I have learned that it does make a difference when you take the time to lift someone’s spirit.

Some food for thought for your Friday:

What is the story you are telling your mind about yourself?

What would happen if we changed that story to one that is all about power, positivity, strength, and the unyielding drive to truly live the life we want!

What if we actually BELIEVED it to be true, and focused all our energies on all the things we are truly gifted at rather than the areas we struggle with?

Why waste any amount of time holding ourselves back from the dreams that are right there for the taking if we commit, go all in, and go after them?

From my heart to yours,

Christine

p.s. Thank you Dane! You have given me a gift that I plan on sharing with others.  Life is good.  🙂