Category: Digging Deeper

6 years ago today

Published on by Christine4 Comments

Six years ago today, I reached my goal weight.  Back then I was part of an amazing healthy living support group called “Journey to the Heart” (JTTH), led by my dear friend Ginette. There was a reunion week-end planned the year I reached my goal, and during the celebrations, I received my key chain which signified all the work I put into reach my goal.  I carry that treasured key chain with me today.

The JTTH reunion week-end is a time I will never forget and I’ve made some incredible friendships thanks to the creation of that group.  The women I’ve met through JTTH touched my heart and taught me so much about life…to persevere, to keep going when I wanted to quit, and the power that comes along with a community of understanding and supportive friends.  Thank you!

Ginette handing me my goal weight keychain

I love when an anniversary rolls around for all dates that mark a change in life. These milestones remind one to look back to the beginning and reflect on the changes and growth that’s transpired through the years.

Today, I want to thank to all those amazing people in my life that were my inspirations, my reasons for moving forward, my teachers of life lessons. One of the most amazing lessons I’ve learned over the last few years is that when you finally figure out who you are and put it out there, you will draw in the most amazing like-minded individuals.  I can’t begin to explain how thankful I am for my friends and family.  You are most definitely food for my soul.  So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Collectively, you have changed my life.

I wasted many years…living in fear.  Fear of the unknown, of change, and of failure.  But you know what?  I’m thankful for those years because I would have never appreciated the goodness of life if I hadn’t once taken it for granted.

I remember a time about 8 years ago, my son Ty wanted me to go swimming with him.  I just couldn’t bring myself to put on a swim suit. I avoided facing the reality that I had packed on over 90 pounds in a period of just a few years.  I avoided friends whom I hadn’t seen in a while, social situations, and getting my photo taken (I have very few pictures with me and my kids when I was at my heaviest).  My fear, anxiety, and remorse not only held me back from living life, but it also held my kids back from being active.  I wish I loved myself at that time in my life, I lost out on building relationships with those I loved.

I used to believe that being proud of your accomplishments was being boastful and arrogant. But let me tell you my friends, I need to be proud of changing my lifestyle because it’s directly tied to my body image.  I’ve had a few friends joke to me over the years that I’m too wrapped up in the calorie/fat content in foods, and in my need to stay active.

The only way I’ve managed to stay at my goal weight is by staying focussed on what I’m eating, but more importantly, on the correlation between food and activity.  It’s necessary for me.  If I’m not diligent in that area, I WILL gain the weight back. I’m at a healthy weight today, and I plan to stay that way because it’s the place I physically feel the best.

Our bodies are designed to eat whole natural foods and to move!  As long as I’m physically able to be active, I believe I should be and I’ve learned that lesson from those who are not physically able to be active.  There’s so many ways to add physical activity to one’s daily life.  Walking instead of driving, biking with the kids, dancing like an idiot, anything that gets that heart rate up for a bit…it makes me feel alive inside.

I forget sometimes that people who just meet me have no idea of where I started, and because of my tendency to be socially awkward, it takes some time to “get” me. 😛  I’m working on the whole “I won’t be awkward in public situations”, although awkwardness is just a part of who I am I’ve decided!  I’ve become OK with being misjudged on many occasions.

I do hope I never portray that I think I have all the answers in this area, because I can assure you that I don’t! I can only attest to what works for me, but everyone is different. I believe life is a continual learning curve…all one can do is their best and their best changes as life changes.  I didn’t start running for 30 minutes, I started running for 30 seconds.  Seriously a few years ago, I was physically unable to sustain a running pace for more than 30 seconds.  BUT…the body adapts quickly, and within two weeks I was able to run 1 minute, then 5, then 10, then 20, and so on.

Photo on Right: Taken by my beautiful friend Amy Alexander.

This is how I view things today, feeling pride is actually a bi-product of gratitude.  I am so grateful for a life where I recognize all the blessings around our family.  I’m grateful for the amazing people I’ve met along the way. I’m grateful that I am able to pass on what I learned….if it touches another’s heart.  A circle of support is something to treasure, and it’s built up through sharing and connecting on a genuine level.

So today, I look back with a smile on my face and gratitude in my heart.

The photo below from 2002 was one of the rare instances that I went swimming with my kids.  Today, we spend much of our time on the beach and in the water when we go to the lake. 🙂

I finally feel like I’m home within my own life and there’s so much more life to live.

I want to show my kids that life is meant to be actively lived when I was once a side-line Mom, scared to try new things. You can only do the best you can in each stage of your life.

Music is one of those gifts that mark life events, and when you hear a song tied to a memory, you are taken right back there again. This piece from the film “The Piano”, was one I used to listen to over and over again (on cassette tape!) It reminds me of a difficult place in my life; however I’ve learned so much going through those difficult times so I’m just grateful.

To my supportive friends and family, I love you!  You amaze me with each passing day. As life flies by, you continue to prove that there are no limits to your strength, wisdom, and acceptance.

From my grateful heart to yours,

Christine, 6 years at goal weight 🙂

I Believe

Published on by Christine2 Comments

I believe we can make a difference in this world.

I believe we are here for a great purpose.

I believe in the power in numbers. Together we can join up to fight to make a huge impact.

I believe it’s our obligation to be informed, even though many times in life I wish I could just stick my head in the sand and pretend life’s harsh realities aren’t in fact realities.

We miss you so much Aunty Lorraine
My Dad: Waiting Room of the Cross Cancer Institute

I have talked quite a lot about the Canadian Cancer Society’s Relay for Life. So much so that I’m sure many are sick of hearing about it! 😉  One thing I’ve learned since my father’s diagnosis is that we are uncomfortable discussing cancer.

But the reality is this.  YOU WILL BE AFFECTED BY CANCER AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE. Either because your loved one has been diagnosed, or because you have been diagnosed.  Yes, I believe we need to discuss it my friends because there is Hope.

I believe we need to do something, anything to join the fight to make cancer history…because the alternative is to do nothing.

I’m not sure if I’ve adequately explained why I Relay for Life.  Has the Canadian Cancer Society made any progress?   Yes, they’ve made HUGE progress with every year that passes.  The Relay for Life is the main fundraising event for the Canadian Cancer Society, and it’s what keeps the research going. To one day find a CURE.

Copyright: Canadian Cancer Society, Leduc Relay for Life 2010
Copyright: Canadian Cancer Society, Leduc Relay for Life 2010

The facts: cancer cure rates 

1940: 25% of individuals diagnosed with cancer survived it.
1960: 33% of individuals diagnosed with cancer survived it.
TODAY: 60% of individuals diagnosed with cancer WILL SURVIVE it.

I believe that’s progress to be proud of.

To view the entire video collection regarding the progress that has been made through the Canadian Cancer Society, please click HERE.  Information is power.

Every dollar donated makes a difference, every step taken at the Relay for Life makes a difference.  All those donations, no matter how small, add up to become a big donation. There is power in numbers.

Why fight back?  Because every 3 minutes, another Canadian is faced with fighting cancer.  I believe the funds raised through the Relay for Life is an investment in my friend’s and family’s future.  In my children’s future.  And in my future.

The alternative is to do nothing.  How can we accept that?

There are only 20 days until the Leduc Relay for Life and every dollar raised is a step closer to making cancer history. I’ve raised my fundraising goal to $3,000 and I’m 88% to my goal.  I believe I will reach it! From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much to all of those who have donated.

Please consider joining the fight to make cancer history.  Yes, my friends we are making a difference. We are making progress, we can’t stop now. 

Click to make a donation:
http://convio.cancer.ca/goto/christinehopaluk

As it turns out, my Dad will be starting his radiation treatments around the same time as the Leduc Relay for Life.  I believe…I know, he’s a fighter and a survivor. Fight, fight, fight.

I believe in Change and in the power of Community.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Kindness Breeds Kindness

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“Kindness Breeds Kindness”

It’s my new motto.  Well, it’s not new, but it’s reaffirmed to me with each precious passing year. Yes, kindness matters.  The other day, I was discouraged after watching 1 hour of the national news.  What’s happening to our society?

You see, I grew up on a farm, and there was the power of community in our farming area.  If someone needed help with harvest, their neighbour was sure to show up with a big smile and a helping hand.  We all pulled together to ensure each harvest was completed, in whatever capacity you could in order to help.

This is not our barn. Who's barn is this? Family do you know?

In my case (along with my sisters), I was the shoveler of grain, the guarder of gates when we moved cattle, and the deliverer of home-cooked meals to the field.  And when a neighbour showed up to lend their support, there was no exchanging of money, just the unspoken truth that you would do the same for your neighbour.

My Dad and my Brother-in-law 🙂

I moved to Leduc 5 years ago, and I feel the sense of community within Leduc as well.  However, I had some moments in a bigger city where I have said “Good Morning” to a passer-by, which was returned with a look of shock…like “what do you want?!”

Not everyone shares the same sentiment. Not everyone will say thank you when you hold open a door, or return your smile when you give up your seat on a crowded LRT.  One just has to be OK with that, and just keep passing on the kindness.

Because, I believe with every fibre of my being, that Kindness Breeds Kindness.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. –Leo Buscaglia

I was so touched by a poem written by Jonathan Reed entitled “Lost Generation”.

Don’t be discouraged my friends if your kindness is not returned.  It will be returned in the long run, although sometimes in the unlikeliest of places (which is amazing). Positive out, positive in.  You never know when an act of kindness will meet another’s heart when they need it most.  This is something I’ve been so thankful for since my father was diagnosed with cancer.  Every comment, e-mail, phone call, smile, and donation toward the Leduc Relay for Life
…has made a difference in my life, and in my family’s life.  Thank you so much.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

On Purpose

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On Purpose.

There are times in life that remind me that life is meant to be savoured. Life’s a gift and each day is fresh and brand new. It’s meant to be lived with purpose.

I often think about what my purpose is in life, because without purpose, there is no direction.  I get caught up in the hectic pace of life, and forget to enjoy the little moments full of pure joy that are there right before me. If only I would stop, listen, and live consciously. Soak it all in.  These little nuggets of joy are all around us my friends.

You see, kids know when these moments happen, they live within the joy of a moment and they don’t need to be reminded to live consciously.  They aren’t aware of insecurities. They love and live without condition.

You know the saying “Dance like no one’s watching”?  Have you ever watched a little girl dance? She always dances like no one’s watching. She isn’t yet burdened with outside influences.  She just is exactly who she is. Purely authentic.

And then we loose pieces of that as we grow older.  We lose our ability to just be.

I was thinking about Purpose today, and what it is that I want to achieve in life.  It’s easy in today’s society to get caught up in the “Keeping up with the Joneses” mentality. We work so hard for “stuff”, and no matter how much one makes, there is always more “stuff” to buy.  Love doesn’t live within “things”.  Surely my purpose isn’t to be successful in terms of monetary possessions.  What’s unique or purposeful about that?

I do know where there is no purpose in my life, and it’s taken me a long time to come to this place and accept that it’s just not a healthy reality.  There is no purpose found within negativity, judgments, insecurities, jealousy, and lack of forgiveness.  All these things weigh on a person’s soul. They are a burden on the heart. There is true freedom to just. let it. go.

How do you do that? You focus on the good, the now, the present, the positive, the gratitude. Perception, perception, perception.

Friendship and the ability to give unto others without expectation is a gift.

I was reminded these past couple of weeks that life is too short, and life is meant to be LIVED. Lived with purpose and pride.  If I get to the core of it, I know that’s why I love to stay active, because it’s when I feel the most alive.  It’s a gift.  Yes, health is a gift.

There is no comparison to how I feel now versus how I felt when I first started the path to reclaim my life. I’m not only speaking about the changes physically, but more importantly the changes within my heart and mind. I took so much for granted. I didn’t feel the responsibility to take care of myself. I gave up in many ways. I’ve changed my lifestyle because there is no going back to that space I lived in for many years. It fills no purpose in my life today because I didn’t like who I was then.

I should clarify in case you haven’t read other posts, that I don’t believe happiness comes based on the physical body. I can only speak from my own personal experiences. For me, self-acceptance and pride happened when I found ways to feel alive inside again. Those amazing bits of life that kids just inherently know to experience.  A big part of that was getting active and to stop watching life go by from the side-lines.  Happiness is a choice, and a big part of feeling gratitude and joy lives within how one perceives life.

My goal is to live consciously, be reverent of the amazing moments life dishes out when one least expects it (and often in the most unlikely of places), and to live a life full of purpose and gratitude.  Change can only occur when action is taken.

I know I’ve shared this quote a few times, but it’s one of those amazing life quotes that has to be read a few times to truly sink in!

“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” George Bernard Shaw

I’ve lived far too much of my life waiting for life to start. I didn’t realize that life actually starts when I say so and I simply had to get out there and start living it!   Not all of life is supposed to be “sunshine” and “rainbows”. How would we truly know how to appreciate life if it was always good? Adversity is what brings about reflection, change, and gratitude.

I have so much to be grateful for.

Thankful…

From my heart to yours,

Christine

On cancer

Published on by Christine11 Comments

Yesterday was a hard day for our family….

I didn’t think about what I was going to say when I made that video. I just blurted out how I was feeling at that moment, I’ve never made a video before.

You see, my Mom, Dad, Aunty and I went into the appointment with the specialist at the Cross Cancer Institute feeling great about the appointment as we thought the doctor would just say that his levels had risen just a bit, nothing to worry about. It would take time for the levels to come down, and they will just keep an eye on it. Obviously that was not the case.

As we walked into the Cross Cancer Institute, I saw so many people sitting and waiting. Our waiting room was quiet. Chairs lined the halls, filled with people of all ages. All Waiting. Waiting for their turn to hear what the specialist would advise.

We were called into the doctor’s office, we all sat together, listening to the doctor explain the details in layman’s terms. He was very thorough and gave so much info that there was very little left to ask by the end of the appointment. We wore very little emotion on our faces, we all sat there expressionless. Like the wind had been knocked out of us. My Dad has the more aggressive type of Prostate cancer. There was no way I was going to break down at all, because that wouldn’t be fair to my father to have to comfort me when it’s him that has to deal with the reality that is cancer.

“Thank you for your time Doctor”. He left to explain the status of another cancer patient’s treatment in the next room. It was time to leave, digest the information, and Dad was advised to call back with what his decision would be. Wait? Seek radiation therapy as soon as possible?  Dad’s main worry after the appointment was in regards to who would look after his cattle. Yup, that’s my Dad, a soft-hearted man.

When we walked out of the doctor’s office into the waiting room, everything looked different. I smiled at everyone lined up still waiting to go for their appointment, and I thought: how is it we are here obviously dealing with cancer in some way…sitting, waiting, filled with anger, rage, sadness, frustration, and we are able to hold it together. We sit and we wait, reading magazines, looking out windows, inwardly hoping, inwardly praying. But we wear brave faces.

Everything looked different on the walk out.

We went to the nearby Southgate Centre for a coffee and a cinnamon bun. We didn’t say a lot, there were no tears, we just enjoyed one another’s company.

My Dad and I were visiting on a mall bench and looked up and thought the leaf art work in the sky light was so pretty…  Right after I took this picture, I looked to my right and my dear friend Tawny was walking by us. We never just accidentally bump into one another in the City.  Kismet.

We said our good-byes, and I drove home with the windows down, music turned up as loud as it would go.

I picked up my kids, fed them supper, sat down in my office and it all sunk in. I phoned a few of my sisters, and then I cried like a baby. And made that video.

But I want you to know something, despite the tears and the fears I shared, I feel very hopeful. My Dad is a fighter and I have faith he will make it through this second fight. I feel positive. At this point in my life, I’ve realized there is real power in sharing and connecting, and sometimes that means showing vulnerability.  It means we are not alone. There are others feeling the same frustration, pain, and anger.  One doesn’t have to put on a brave face all the time, it’s OK to show that emotion, and then move forward through it. By sharing, you create a circle of support that is so needed during times of trial.

cancer is that horrible disease that brings forward emotions one has never felt before, and often those feelings are just left within to grow and fester. Our family has always come together in faith and support. We believe in the power of prayer. My Dad asked me to share his journey with you so that he has people out there praying for him.

Sometimes, it’s hard to know what to say when you see someone in pain.  But, the positive thoughts, prayers, kind words, a hand reached out in support, a coffee delivered to your door, a phone call, an e-mail, a smile when you pass by…truly has the power to change the state of another’s heart. The strength of the human spirit is alive and well my friends. Thank you God for that.

There is power in authentic sharing and connecting. I believe it changes perceptions and it’s what makes walls come down. We are not alone, we are never alone.

So thank you to all our friends and family who have taken time out of their busy lives to support, care, and pray. We appreciate it more than you could ever know.

Thank you for all of those who have donated to our Team Hope for the Leduc Relay for Life.  http://convio.cancer.ca/goto/christinehopaluk
It’s the only way I know how to fight back at this time when I feel so helpless…not just in honour of my Father and in memory of my Aunt, but also for all of the loved ones out there who have been affected by cancer.

I will leave you with a blog post that I wrote before my Dad was diagnosed with Prostate cancer: http://christinehopaluk.com/blog/2010/08/07/at-the-farm-with-my-dad/

I love you Dad. Fight. Fight. Fight.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Ignore the Judgments

Published on by Christine6 Comments

One will stop casting judgements on others when they focus on bettering themselves. When you focus on your own heart, the state of another’s is not your concern. Surround yourself with people who support & love you. You will figure out who these people are when you are struggling, because they are the ones that will stand by you without doubt or question.

I posted the above collection of thoughts the other day on my facebook status and I want to explain where it comes from!  I have always believed that if I don’t judge other people, then I will not be on the receiving end of judgements! Guess what my friends? This is not the case sometimes!  Judgements directed my way have caused me to stop and think about who I am as a person, and it has also caused me to doubt who I am as well!  I’m actually thankful for it today, because it has solidified even more my own inner-truth about the woman I am today.

At this point in my life I have learned that there will always be haters unfortunately…even if you put your best foot forward and treat others the way you wish to be treated.

Here’s the shift in my thinking that I want to share with you!  Yes, there will be negative thrown my way, and sometimes it hurts coming from people who I care about; however, why does the negativity seem to hold more stock inwardly than the positivity from others?  The positive support should outweigh the negative judgements.  To focus on one negative rather than many positives is ridiculous I tell ya!

I used to be a judgmental person. My life was filled with “shoulds”, but often directed at other people.  I deflected so much of what I needed to deal with personally by wasting time on what others were doing. It was my own issues, and often the things I couldn’t handle about others, were the exact things I needed to change within myself.

It wasn’t until I focussed on bettering myself that I moved forward through that way of thinking.  I worried solely about my own heart rather than the state of another’s. It gave way to a state of true acceptance of all kinds of people.  People of all different ways of thinking!

I have to tell you that the acceptance of others has been one of the greatest blessings I have come across.  It actually makes me giddy! I love meeting new people, and hearing other points of views that are so different from my own.  Rather than make judgments, I now internalize so much of it and just figure out which path is actually right for me.  It helps me to figure out who I am even more!  Yes, that’s fantastic!!! 🙂  Seriously amazing news my friends!!! (do you feel my enthusiasm in this area?! lol)  I have learned there are many different roads one can take, and just because it’s right for them, doesn’t mean it’s right for me (and vise-versa)

Also, I had another revelation today!  The best things happen when you give and expect nothing in return. You actually receive so much when you least expect it. It blows my mind sometimes! Positive out, positive in!  Thank you to all the people in my life that give so much of themselves to me! I’m so very thankful for you. I woke up this morning with so much gratitude for the amazing people I have met along the way.

Giving is so good for the soul. Whenever I feel discouraged, I just need to remember there is always someone else dealing with more than I am.  We are blessed simply for the fact we live in a free-country!  I have taken so much for granted. Sometimes it just takes a shift in perspective to realize that.  Just tune into the National news for an hour, and one is reminded!  We are spoiled my friends. There are a few sayings that I remind myself of and this is one: “Always give more than you take.”  

Change your focus: when you are down…focus on the good, the positive, the uplifting.  Before you know it, your outlook changes. Gratitude is a gift.

I’m so often humbled when I meet others who are dealing with so much more than I am: health struggles for one. Because I’ve witnessed what my sister has gone through battling MS, I see the ability to run as a privilege. When I go for a run, I am so thankful that I’m able to run. I run because I can. Thank you God for that privilege!

Have a great day, and remember for those in the Edmonton area…the snow will melt! It only makes a person appreciate the sun that much more! 🙂

And a song  that makes me smile for your TGIF (you will have to click to watch on You Tube)

Yes, it’s a Good Life!

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Challenging Old Beliefs

Published on by Christine8 Comments

It’s true in life there are some things that are out of our control, but there are also many things that are absolutely in our control. The key is to discern between the two.

There were so many things in my life that I thought I couldn’t do.  For example, I convinced myself I couldn’t run a 10K. I woke up one day and actually said aloud “Why can’t I? Who says I can’t?”  Well, I said I couldn’t.  I thought I wasn’t athletic or a runner. Why did I think that?  Because I was living in an old belief. I believed that I would always be uncomfortable in my own skin. I believed that I was too big to run.  When I was growing up, I was raised on a farm which was 20 minutes from town.  My mom worked full-time opening a business, and so I wasn’t into organized sports. Having said that, I also didn’t want to be either. I believed that I wasn’t athletic. It just wasn’t my reality.

Bull shit!!!

Recently I was attempting to do two sets of tricep push ups….well I could only get through one set. I find tricep push ups so tough to do. I was immediately discouraged. How was I going to be able to do two sets when I had a hard time getting  through one set?  You know how?  I just have to keep at it!  I have to continue to challenge my muscles, and guess what…I will get stronger!  It’s a fact.

It’s the same with one’s mind-set.  If you are replaying the same old beliefs in your mind, and it’s not serving you in any way, the way to overcome it is to challenge that belief.  Keep challenging it.  When your mind says “I can’t”, then you need to challenge it.  Why can’t you?  Who says you can’t?  WHY do you believe you can’t…get the heart of the tired belief. Most often than not, it’s our own mind that says we can’t do something and it’s based on a past belief that no longer holds truth for us (and did it ever hold any truth in the first place?!).

I have many old beliefs. I have started leaving sticky notes on the mirror at the gym.   They say something different each time.

“You are more powerful than you even realize”.

“You are enough.”

“You are beautiful. Be good to you.”

I have no idea who notices them or if it affects anyone, but I do know that if I was looking at those notes before starting my work out, it would lift me up and start things off on a positive. They challenge inner-beliefs that I struggle with.  I do realize this is a bit odd. But, I keep writing those pick me up notes in the off-chance someone else struggles and needs to hear it.

Also, most recently I have decided to embrace my odd, geeky side! Hey, it’s part of who I am. Authenticity builds relationships of trust, value, & respect. So just be you. We are all flawed. It’s OK, because it’s honest & refreshing in all actuality 🙂  Maybe it’s weird to write strangers sticky notes who I never actually see reading them (unless I hide behind the garbage can which is a weird stretch even for me).  Whatever, I’m weird. I write pick-me-up sticky notes because my heart tells me to.  ha ha

The other day as I was getting ready in front of my mirror I thought to myself “I hate my legs.” I had to snap myself out of it, as much as I have challenged those old beliefs, they still crop up from time to time.  My next thought was, if I truly believed I hate my legs, then I should have no problem approaching someone who’s in a wheel chair and say “hey, how are ya? Do you know that I hate my legs.”  Humbling moment. I’m thankful that I have healthy legs. I’m so excited to ride my new bike.  Bring on the sun and cleared biking paths! 🙂

Be good to you. You are worthy. You are enough.  Challenge those tired old beliefs. Forget about status quo.  Give yourself permission to really look within your own heart and follow the path that is right for you. Trust yourself to make the healthy choices that lift you up.

And then when you are in a place of strength, you spread the love.  Love, strength, and positivity are contagious.  🙂

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Meditation

Published on by Christine8 Comments

I have always wanted to learn how to meditate, however my mind is always going…thinking, thinking, thinking.  The days are so busy, how am I going to etch out some time to be silent in the middle of hectic?  Take today for example (and as I write this it’s not quite 2 p.m.)

I woke up this morning to my hubby whispering good-bye in my ear. The room was still dark, must have been really early.  The night before we had joked that I never say anything back to him when he says his daily good-byes. In my morning slumber, I believe I do so this morning I make sure I repeat everything he said to me…attempting to say it at the exact same time. We laughed and I went back to sleep. I was awoken thirty minutes later to the sounds of my dog Teddy frantically barking as my son was playing with him in the living room. My daughter soon joined in, and within a few minutes there was the familiar song of sibling rivalry going on. Wiping sleep from my eyes, I dragged my weary legs to the kitchen to make breakfast for all three kids.  They know not to talk to me first thing in the morning, they know to give me at least 10 minutes before any demands are made. Robotically, I spread peanut butter and jam on their toast. I make coffee. I need coffee.

The pace turned hectic as we rushed to get out the door for school.  Homework to be found, socks to be matched, clothes and hair to be fixed.  “Mom I can only find one mitt, oh and sign this sheet, also I need 2 cups of chocolate covered raisins by tomorrow for a cooking project.” my son yells to me.  I think to myself:  “Who cooks with chocolate covered raisins and Why don’t I get my act together and have everything organized the night before?”.  One would think that would make life easier.

I opened the garage door; the chill of winter slapped us across the face as I realized that the deep freeze is still upon us. I told the kids to jump in my car. We are running late. I’m not above driving the two blocks to school just so we don’t have frozen hair and eyelashes today.  There’s a lot of school traffic on cold days. There was a lady waiting to turn left at the school, meaning she had to cross the traffic.  The same traffic that wasn’t moving only because she needed to make a left hand turn. Suburb deadlock.  “Why must you turn left and hold up traffic lady! For the love of chocolate, just turn right and circle the block” I whispered under annoyed breath.  We ran into the school, my finger tips were numb. Kisses, “I love you’s” and “you’re awesome’s” were exchanged.

I returned home to clean up from the morning rush.  I feel tired and the day has just begun. E-mails to answer, phone calls to return, laundry piled up, the house in shambles, my accounting records for 2010 lay open waiting for me to finish them.  “Stop taunting me accounting records. Why must the government need these?” I say out loud. I’m weird like that, I’m a talk-to-yourself-er. I want to go back to bed.  I look up at the clock after the morning errands, and It’s already time to pick up my daughter from Kindergarten. In fact, I have exactly one minute to get back to the school.  I can’t find my keys, why am I so absent-minded?  Rush out the door.

When I get home from picking up my daughter, I have the overwhelming urge to work out.  I don’t like to plan when I’m going to work out, the inner exerciser be-yatch eventually calls out.  I quickly put on my workout gear, lace up my runners, grab my iPhone for music, and head to my unfinished basement to my make-shift gym (complete with non-drywalled walls).  My son plays his Xbox downstairs, and there is evidence of a lounging Teenager everywhere. I clean up, muttering under my breath.

Time to run.

I find my power list on my iPod filled with music that is the perfect pace for running. Green Day, Clutch, ACDC, BEP, The Offspring, Rihanna, Muse, The Black Keys.  I take a big gulp of water and turn the treadmill on for a 5 minute warmup walk.  I’m stiff at first, and after my warm up I tell myself I will just run for 10 minutes. I always tell myself that, so I don’t complain. I up the pace to 6.3 and I focus on the same spot on the wall that I’ve stared at for years while I run.

I have no time to  stress about my responsibilities  All I can do is focus on this run, on my breathing, and on the uncomfortable feeling that is creeping into my muscles…travelling up my legs and into my lungs. I want to stop after 10 minutes, but I push that feeling out and convince myself I will run another 10 minutes. I get to 20 minutes, my legs have found their pace. I want to keep going. I want to beat my previous 5K time of under 30 minutes. Time to pick up the pace. I turn it up to 7.0 for 5 minutes (uttering a couple MF’s along the way), and back down to 6.5 for the remainder of the 5K.

The music is timed perfectly to each running step. I feel powerful, like I could do anything I set my mind to.  I feel strong, proud, and in control.  The more uncomfortable I feel, the more I say yes…I can do this. This is just the feeling of being alive.  I can’t explain the feeling that washes over me. It is not comfortable; however I realize, this feeling is PEACE.  Uncomfortable yet peaceful. Because that’s where peace lies for me…in pushing out of my comfort zone, in challenging myself, and in moving on.

While I run, I think about a friend whom I admire. She has found an amazing bright patch of happiness that she’s carved out of darkness. Does she know how amazing she is? There’s no point in keeping the good feelings within. I will tell her how amazing she is, but first I must finish this run in under 30 minutes. 🙂

When I’m done my run, I sit on my weight bench and catch my breath. I reached my daily goal. I’m smiling. I’m happy.

No stress, just strength and peace.

I’m thankful.

Life is actually a lot simpler than I think it is.

I want to continue on my day with this feeling.

Love, love, love.

Peace, peace, peace.

Maybe THIS is my form of meditation.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Skinny Bitch

Published on by Christine6 Comments

I have a story I need to blog about!  I was standing with a bunch of women at school one day and as we were waiting for the kids to burst through the doors to greet us, we started the usual awkward talk.  On a side note, why is adult conversation among strangers/casual acquaintances often so awkward?  There’s only so much you can say about the day’s weather…yes, we are all tired of the snow and the frigid temperatures. Panic! Now what do we say?  Insert the group-grabbing of cell-phones as we are all so “Super” busy to actually talk about something other than the weather.  I’m such an awkward small-talker…I must change this.

Anywhoooo, the ladies I was awkward talking to were of all shapes and sizes.  The only reason I noticed this is because of what transpired through our conversation.  The women were talking about how they had gained weight during the Christmas holidays and how hard it was to work off.  I decided to add my two-bits as I figured we were among the same circle of women standing in the same place everyday awaiting the arrival of our same children. So I said, “I hear ya, this Christmas I overdid the Ukrainian food and my jeans are now so tight that I’m quite uncomfortable as I stand here talking to you.”  One woman, looked at me oddly and said “Well, good thing you are skinny, so it’s really not a big deal for you is it?”

In that moment, I realized she was judging me the same way I had judged other women back when I was 242 pounds.  She sized me up as one of those “skinny chicks” who could never understand what it is to be overweight or what it is to struggle with body-image.  I can say this with confidence, because I used to put women into two groups:  The Skinny and the Overweight.  The Overweight came with understanding, and the Skinny lacked understanding. I wasn’t sure how to feel when she used the word “skinny” as it’s certainly not how I view myself, but it was the way she said “skinny” like it had a rank smell attached to it.  ha ha

This was not the first time I encountered the two different sides of this “pigeonholing” fence. A friend of mine eventually told me after we became close that when she first met me she thought I was one of those “skinny bitches”.  She meant no offence by it, she was just being honest, but it really made me pause and think. It also made me sad, that at one time that’s how my perception was as well…full of stereotypes and judgments. Speaking from personal experience, it was because I wanted to be someone different.

I struggled, and continue to struggle with confidence.  I am thankful that I’ve been able to live at an unhealthy weight, and also a healthy weight for me.  I’m not making a judgement on any other person’s weight. I’m talking about my weight, because at my heaviest I had high-blood pressure which had to be controlled with medication. I also did not eat properly so I lacked energy and if there was a sickness to catch in the office, I caught it.  I don’t get sick all that often anymore, and I no longer have high-blood pressure.  To me, this is evidence of the benefits of eating healthy and exercising.

Here’s the way I am choosing to look at this issue now.  We are all just people. The women that used to intimidate me, no longer do. It’s not because they have changed, it’s because I’ve changed.  It’s not about how you look on the outside. For me, the standard of beauty comes from experiences, who you are as a person: your heart, your mind, your soul. It’s not external. I appreciate a difference of opinions. I appreciate different outlooks on life. I love when people speak their mind. Forget about conformity! Just be you!  I appreciate kind, soft-hearted people who give of themselves first. I believe that’s one of the most beautiful traits one can possess.

Now, let me take off my rose-coloured glasses for a moment and explain that I don’t think everyone is good and kind.  However, all one can worry about is their own heart and mind. The next time someone looks down their nose at you, just smile. It’s OK! Be confident in who you are as a person. Does it REALLY matter what someone else thinks of you if you know in your heart of hearts who you REALLY are? Continue being authentically you. You will attract like-minded people who adore who you are.

I’ve heard women say (and I was among those women at one time), they didn’t feel comfortable going to the gym because their fitness level didn’t match others at the gym. You know what? I finally got to a place where I didn’t care anymore!  I will lift my low-weights beside the muscular dude who lifts weights the size of my head. I will run slowly for 30 minutes beside that marathon runner who has run for over an hour (sometimes I want to stand and watch in amazement).  I will be the red-faced sweater beside that cute girl with perfect make-up barely breaking a sweat!  My butt jiggles when I run, her’s doesn’t…whatever!  It’s OK, because we are all just people! We are different, but we are also the same (if that makes sense).  We all have a right to go where ever our passions lie.

So the moral of this story: Hold you head high. You are perfectly imperfect. Listen to that inner voice that leads you to be exactly the person you were meant to be. You are stronger than you even realize. You have a gift, we all have gifts. Now, get out there and share them. 🙂

I only wish I could have realized this back then, but I guess if I knew that then, I wouldn’t have learned so much along the way.  There’s still so much to learn about life! I would say that’s pretty exciting.

I’m not a “Skinny Bitch”. I’m just me, just as I was me back when I weighed more, and when I weighed less.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Sincere Appreciation

Published on by Christine5 Comments

I have to admit, yesterday was a discouraging day for me. You know the kind of day when nothing seems to go right. I decided to try to take control of the discouragement and focus my energy on a kick-me-own ass work out and it did help.

Sometimes I’m patient, other times I have very little patience. I have no patience for the fact I have no patience. You see, I lose track of the big picture.  I want results NOW…especially if I’ve put in a lot of effort towards my goal (insert me at the mirror giving stink-eye to my muscles that aren’t defining themselves as I would expect them to). In the face of discouragement, the temptation is to throw in the towel and say screw it.  Self-sabotage then comes into play which is never good for the ole’ self-image.

At times like these, I would like to share with you a new technique I’ve learned to deal with myself.  Yes, my negative inner banter annoys even myself.

1. Think big picture. If I continue to put in the work, results WILL happen.  It may not happen as quickly as I want it to, but be patient grasshopper.  Wax on, wax off. Keep at it.

2. Never underestimate the power of a positive mind.  Shitty things happen in life. I was watching a TV show where a man was explaining to his mentor that his father had passed away years ago. He continued to mourn the loss of the relationship he didn’t get to have. His mentor looked at him and said “that’s your reality. You don’t get that. You can’t have that. It is what it is. You have to move on.”  It struck me in that moment that there are things in life one can’t change.  What good does it do to dwell on things that I can’t change?  Of course I need to deal with loss and pain, but there is also a time to give myself permission to move forward.  Time to focus on the things in life that I do have, not on the things I don’t have or can’t have because that’s just not my reality. Live in REALITY.

3. If yesterday was a bad day, well lucky for me, there is always tomorrow…which is fresh and new. And guess what, the momentum of good days are more powerful than the momentum of bad days.  That’s something to smile about right there.

4. I often remind myself to smile when my work out gets tough. I’m thankful for how alive I feel inside. The physical pain of a great workout is my body full of life…truly alive.  The smile may look forced, odd, and awkward, but it’s a smile none the less (and I do enjoy me some awkward).

5.  My actions should align with my goals.  My goals have changed over the years. When I was at the beginning of this journey, my goals were mostly about weight loss broken up into small manageable goals. Drink more water, exercise 5 times a week, train my body to appreciate the taste of healthy foods without additives, eat lots of fruits and veggies…you get the picture.  Today, many of those goals are still in place as it’s become a way of life. However, I’ve needed to re-evaluate and set new goals now that I’m in the maintaining world.  When I think about my goals, I must first think about how my actions are contributing to (or preventing me from) reaching my goals.

6. “Sincere Appreciation”: I’ve written that quote on a sticky note and placed it on my computer so I can read it daily. It’s a reminder for me to live life by focusing on the things I sincerely appreciate about those I love, and in turn reminding those amazing people of what is their truth. When you take the time to sincerely uplift others, it’s just good for both hearts.  The important part is the “Sincere” part. I believe we all know when someone is sincere and when they are not. Sincerity is a gift I see in so many of my friends and family members. It allows for connection and authentic relationships, which is a huge blessing.

The big picture is a life full of joy, love, pride, and laughter.

Please treat yourself well, just as you deserve to be treated.  Spend time uplifting those around you that you appreciate. Spread the love, it’s contagious. 🙂

I also want to thank everyone who took the time to comment over the last post. Being that it was completely out of my comfort zone to post that pic, I sure did appreciate the kind comments. You really did lift me up. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

From my heart to yours,

Christine