Digging Deeper – Page 7 – Reclaiming LIFE

11 Years at Goal ~ Finding Purpose within Pain

Published on May 19, 2016 by Christine8 Comments

Today is the 11 year anniversary of the day I reached my goal weight. Going into year 11, I’ve moved away from placing importance on what the scale says. In fact 3 years ago, I made a conscious decision to put my scale away and take it out once a month. I record the weight in a log, and in looking back at it, I can see my life is pretty predictable when it comes to weight.

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It follows the ebbs and flows of my life. Up at Christmas and summer holidays and down in the spring and fall as I run in the sun. By seeing that pattern and knowing that I will always live an active lifestyle fuelled by nutrient rich foods, it has allowed me not to worry so much about that 10 pound fluctuation.

This year, more than any other year, has brought with it a whole lot of change in my life. I have fulfilled a decade old promise to myself that I would one day be a personal trainer/life coach. I started my Personal Trainer job in February of this year and I absolutely love it. I wake up excited to go to work everyday and that’s ridiculously amazing. Through my experiences losing the weight and maintaining, I believed I could make a significant impact in the lives of others with similar struggles. I want to motivate others to be the best version of themselves and support them to actualize their full potential. To dig deep to their core drivers (motivators) so they can truly love themselves as they make positive life changes.

Little did I know when I started my job, that as I was driven to aid others in healing…they actually healed me and continue to do so every single day. I am so inspired by their drive, hard-work, and dedication. My heart is so full witnessing their passion to just be better in every aspect of their lives…physically, emotionally, spiritually. Great stuff!

I’m about to get very real in this post, because as much as I highly enjoy the uplifting…sometimes life just doesn’t always go the way you want it to. So pour a glass of vino or click the little X thingy to close the tab if you aren’t into reading a very real book-post. 😉

This year also happens to be the most painful year of my life as I navigate through the murky waters of divorce. I read once the stress level of a divorce is comparable to a death. I have never lived a more painful truth. Like most things in life, you can’t possibly understand the ramifications of major life events unless you go through it. You can empathize and be compassionate, but unless you walk in those shoes, well….you can’t possibly know what it feels like.

I was worried that I would fall into old destructive patterns as I coped daily with stressful changes, but I’ve found solace and drive within purpose, direction, and focus. The key has been to remind myself daily of my goals, dreams, and aspirations and then attaching tangible action with a timeline which aligns with those goals. I have poured every ounce of the pain within adversity into helping others move forward within their own struggles in a positive way. And I’ve learned to be kind to myself as I struggle with my identity.

I believe there is power through genuine sharing within vulnerability so that another going through similar struggles does not feel alone. It brings about authentic community which we have sadly lost in this digital age. I have learned there can be uplifting positive patches even through the darkest days. There are many facets of my life I can’t change right now, but I can certainly change how I perceive it.

I’ve struggled with my identity this year because for 23 years I lived as a half of an entity. I can choose to look at it now as a single with a missing piece, an alone…but I choose to see it as a new whole. I focus on the present and future and while I respect the life I can see in my rear view mirror; it is not healthy to focus my identity there.

So, going into year 11…here’s some things I learned this year.

You see we attach our identity to our habits. Some positive, but a whole lot of negative which then places self-induced road blocks to our success.

For example; you may want to run a marathon one day, but you can’t possibly achieve that dream if you place your identity on the belief you are not a runner. You become a runner by habitually running. It’s as simple as that. If you want to change your identity, change your habits. It’s hard at first, because of that identity thingy…but stick with it. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit; give yourself the respect you deserve, because you truly can do anything for 21 days if you believe you can.

I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know I’m moving forward with purpose. I have never felt such strength in who I am as a person than I do right now. I let go of caring what others think of me. I may not be your cup of tea, but that doesn’t mean I’m not awesome tea…just not your cup Oh tea. 😉 Letting go of other’s expectations and judgements has truly fuelled me to be very authentic, open, honest, and has allowed me to find strength within vulnerability.

We have one life my friends, we can choose to wallow in our past hurt, or we can focus on the right now and take action everyday to create our best future. We have the power to do that.

Take time every day to be a little kinder. Give without expectation of anything in return. A grateful heart is rooted in generosity of spirit.

Soak up the knowledge freely given by others around you.

Read.

Rest.

Run.

Let go of fear of the unknown and see it as an adventure.

Challenge yourself to be better.

Laugh until your stomach hurts.

Invest time with those who love you.

Every time you make a choice, ask yourself…does this align with my dreams and goals? If not, let it go.

Dream big.

And most importantly, take action.

Dreams are just dreams without action.

Every anniversary year, I usually step from behind my camera and get a photo taken to signify the year. This year I’m using a photo that brings about a whole lot of significant emotions.

My first Christmas as a new me. Christmas 2015: I was on my way to see my family Christmas Day when my car broke down an hour from home. I had never spent a Christmas evening without my kids, and as I sat in my broken-down car waiting for AMA I started laughing rather than crying. I truly couldn’t believe this was my life at that moment, like I was living a bad dream. I needed to deal with this situation on my own…and by my own I mean AMA. But still…totally did it myself. 😉 I texted my sister updates as I sat beside a very tired and hungover tow-truck driver as he sped down the highway mock-chicken with my car on his deck. His speedometer was tapped out all the way to the fast side. lol A trip that ordinarily would have taken over an hour, took 40 minutes. I was literally shaking when I got to my sisters and she hugged me, gave me a glass of wine, and presented me with a matching onesie. I excused myself to the guest room and cried like a baby, not out of sadness but out of relief that I was going to be OK moving forward on my own because I sure have a great loving support system.

Thank you to my friends and family (and once-upon-a-time strangers who are now new friends) for supporting and encouraging me. I am so thankful for you and because of your kindness and compassion, I will remember to always pay it forward.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The One Book You Need to Read ~ “The Miracle Morning” by Hal Elrod

Published on May 16, 2016 by ChristineLeave a comment

Three months ago, I started my Personal Training/Motivational Coach position at Your Body Your Weigh Fitness. There aren’t words quite adequate to describe how much I love my career and working with all the amazing, strong, dedicated clients there. It’s my job (I need a new word, because “job” isn’t right…I love this area) to motivate and inspire them to push themselves to their full potential; but honestly…they do the same for me. It’s been a true gift to my soul.

At my 3 month meeting with my boss Karla, she asked me what my personal and professional goals are. Huh, I’ve been so focussed on everyone else’s goals that I hadn’t put a lot of thought into my own! She challenged me to put tangible timelines/action onto my goals. One of my goals is to commit to lifelong learning. But what does that mean really…how often will I commit to that? I decided daily.

A few days later she gave me a book to read “The Morning Miracle ~ The not-so obvious secret guaranteed to transform your life before 8 AM” by Hal Elrod. If you haven’t read this book, please stop what you are doing right now and download it or go buy it. I highly recommend it, thank you Karla! It’s a quick powerful read that will transform your life if you put the practices to action.

The book challenges you to be the best version of yourself in all facets of life (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual) by working on your own personal development each and every morning. I have always committed to life-long learning; however, I never framed it within my mind that I actually settle for mediocrity daily. Could I be doing more? Of course, and why am I complacent within average? Oh no my dear…I am not average or mediocre. And you aren’t either.

One thing I’m blessed with daily is time, if I just make it. Yes life is busy, but that’s no excuse…I have the ability to get up a little earlier. Aaaand, I can also convince myself that I want to get up an hour earlier because I’m driven to do so by my purpose. That’s the key right there my friends, to figure out your purpose in life and use that emotional response within your purpose to drive you to action.

So I woke up an hour earlier the last two days excited to get started on action which I know will be life changing for me.

Yesterday I went for a run in the sun and discovered more peace, energy & clarity than I have in many months. I cleared my mind of anything negative that was rooted in my past, and focussed on not only the right now, but the future. I took a different route than usual and as I rounded the corner, this fitting landmark came into view.

You see, we all have these big goals and dreams for our life. A visual idea within the mind of what our ideal life looks like. Great! But are we truly working daily on our dreams? A dream is just a dream without action. Are we maximizing our full potential to be the best version of ourselves?

One of the quotes I read within the book really resonated with me in a different way. Now…I’ve read this quote before, but today I understand it on a deeper level.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. Marianne Williamson

I encourage you today to put time into thinking about Your Purpose in life. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Are you settling for daily mediocrity…one foot in front of the other. If so, why? We have one life! What is that one (or more) thing(s) that gets you out of bed in the morning with passion and direction? When you are driven by purpose, there’s no stopping you.

Have a great purpose-inspiring day, and read this book so we can talk about it. 🙂

From my heart to yours,

Christine

How Thoughts Create Reality and Action

Published on January 24, 2016 by Christine6 Comments

I just had a little revelation this morning, so I had to write.

Your thoughts and self-perception become your reality.

I have a vivid memory of a time when I was at my heaviest. I was watching a show and the host said the cause of obesity actually has nothing to do with food. I remember thinking, WHAT?…of course it has everything to do with food! It’s why I’m obese. My mind just couldn’t wrap around the idea that the cause of my weight issue had deeper roots than my love of food.

Eleven years later, I’m deeply aware that whatever I give power to within my thoughts, translates directly into my actions. Further to action, it converts into the energy we give off to others. How can we possibly attract the elements of life we desire if we spend our time focussing on the things we don’t like about ourselves. On worry. On doubt. On fear.

When I was at my heaviest, I believed I would always be overweight. I conceded to a life of inactivity. Why did I believe I had no choice in the matter? I was just a choice away from a different reality and it all began with a seed of positive thought. It really was that simple.

So how do you foster the positivity and weed out the negativity within the mind?

Become very aware through out your day of your thought patterns. Which activities bring about negativity and which bring about positivity? Isn’t that what exercise is for? Your body is designed to move. And when you move, endorphins are released. The human body is actually a ridiculously amazing machine if you think about it. I always leave the gym way more positive than when I enter it.

Beyond exercise, there are so many activities you can do that stimulate positive thinking. Read a good book, phone a friend, walk the dog, dance in your kitchen, do a random act of kindness and tell no one! Just do something within your day to nurture the positive.

On the other side of coin, pay close attention to the activities that bring about negative thoughts. Now, some of these are unavoidable. Laundry will always be there, bills will always have to be paid, snow has to be shovelled. Weed out the ones you can and the self-destructive behaviour. You may not be able to quit all those conditions that trigger negative thinking, but you CAN change your perception of them and the way you think about it.

Focus on gratitude. We all have so much in life to be grateful for. Give energy and power to your thankful heart. A thankful heart will always exude pure love. Give a whole lot of positive thought to your aspirations. Dream! It’s never too late to dream. And then act on those dreams. Even if it’s just a tiny step. 🙂

I hope your day is full of positivity!

From my thankful heart to yours,

Christine

What are You Training Today? The Soul my dear.

Published on January 12, 2016 by Christine4 Comments

Lately I’ve been going to the gym 6 days a week for an hour at a time. It’s more than I usually go, and during this time I’ve been asked what my fitness goals are. Another regular question I’ve been asked and I often ask others is “What are you training today?” Back? Leg day? Shoulders? etc.

I’ve thought about this a lot lately, and what I reply in my mind is this:

I’m here for my mind, for my heart, for my soul.

It’s here where I push my body to my limits, that I realize the strength of my spirit.

This hour gives me time to refuel and wipe out any negativity that clouds my mind.

I’m inspired by those around me struggling through physical adversity. Like the gentlemen who is recovering from a stroke. He never misses a day and walks the track with determination and such strength.

I’m uplifted by the positivity that lives within those walls, like the couple who walk the track holding hands the entire way while talking and laughing.

I go to uplift others with positivity. A kind word, a smile, a sincere compliment. Even through my darkest days, I will smile and uplift those around me. I’ve learned it fuels my heart just as much as it fuels others. Positive energy is infectious.

I go for I know that within minutes into my workout, any anxious energy melds way into determination. The power of exercise!

There’s no other hour in my day where I feel as positive, uplifted, confident and self-assured. I leave my workouts with those feelings, and it seeps its way into other minutes of my day. Growing and evolving just as I do.

So yes, today maybe shoulder-day by physical definition, but what I’m really doing is taking gentle care of myself…body, mind, and most importantly soul & spirit. So that I am the best Mom I can be for my kids, a better friend to my friends, and to learn just how strong I am within.

Take away the aesthetics of the gym, and you are left with the heart of training…the real reason so many require that hour like air in their lungs. I am so thankful I learned this lesson. It’s been a gift during the hardest of days and a blessing on my shiny days too.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

A Note of Encouragement

Published on July 15, 2015July 15, 2015 by Christine2 Comments

Recently, my friend Paula tagged me on Facebook to a post on a page called “The Weigh We Were“, created by Kat Carney, who shared my story. Thank you Kat! I was very touched reading everyone’s comments; others just like me who are in various stages of their own journey to reclaim their life.

If you stumbled across my blog and are new here, welcome!

This is me…then. and now.

It was on my heart this morning to write a post to those who are just starting out on their own health journey, or maybe you are struggling within it. I clearly remember the confusion and frustration that surrounded the first few months into this lifestyle. What should I eat, how much should I exercise, is this even working, why does the scale hate me?

As cliché as this sounds, there is no truer statement: If I can do it, anyone can.

A little over a decade ago, when I made the decision to tackle my health issues, I was as sedentary as I could possibly be. I would have picked things up with one of those little robot arms if I had one. I would scooter places if I in fact owned a scooter. I would have jumped on the back of anyone climbing stairs if it was socially acceptable. You see..I don’t know how I got there, I somehow lost myself within raising kids, working, and juggling responsibilities as my hubby worked away for weeks at a time. I buried it all within food, never in front of anyone. I shut people out. I was in my own self-created world of self-loathing. I lived within a frame that I didn’t feel was my own. I felt trapped and alone. I didn’t see then that I had a “get out of jail free” card right at my finger tips. I didn’t know the strength of my spirit.

I can remember every single feeling from that old life, and that’s why I’m so passionate about uplifting, encouraging, and motivating others who just might relate. So if you can relate, here are a few words of encouragement from my heart to yours…

~You can absolutely do this! If your goal is a big one, please don’t get discouraged. Break it up into small manageable goals and give yourself permission to feel pride. True pride that you earned. Small step or not, it’s a step forward. Any step forward is a positive one.

~Positive Out, Positive In. When you put out the positive it just can’t help but come back to you. Rather than looking for positive, it’s completely within your control to create it. Just be. And then watch how positivity comes flooding back multiplied. It’s crazy how that works, but it does.

~No more making excuses for destructive behaviour. This was a big one for me. I always had an excuse why it wasn’t the right time or I would blame others for my choices. I’m too busy. My kids need me. I have no energy. Others bring junk food into my house. And on and on the wheel of excuses rolled. When I made no room for excuses, I had no other choice but to just do it. Get off the couch and move. Stop eating my issues way. Because the truth was, and continues to be, my kids need me to be healthy. They need me to have energy (which I now realize I created the no-energy state I used to live in). And most importantly they need me to be a role model. The idea that my kids would one day grow up and not truly experience the beauty of life within love, energy, and vibrance is a devastating thought. Why was I settling for that as my reality? What was I scared of?

~Change the way you view your goals. It’s importantly to have tangible and attainable goals, but what exactly are they? If it’s a certain size or number on the scale, that leaves you vulnerable to failure. What if you changed your goals to healthy/fitness goals? Even if your end goal is a number on the scale, if you incorporate health and fitness goals as well and put significance on them, you are setting yourself up for success. These goals might be: run for 1 minute straight…which turns into 2 minutes, to 5 minutes, to 10 minutes, etc. Or I will drink 8 glasses of water daily. Or I will walk 12,000 steps daily. Or I will eat 5-7 servings of veggies daily. Or I will cut out pop and creamer in my coffee…pick your healthy goal. You can literally be successful several times a day, and before you know it these goals just become a way of life. A lifestyle that feeds your energy and spirit and you can’t handle the thought of going back to your old lifestyle. It’s simply not an option.

Real change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing ~ Tony Robbins

~You are enough. You are worthy. You are beautiful, vibrant, intelligent. Start looking at yourself through the eyes of those you love most. Start talking to yourself just as you talk to your kids, your partner, your friends and family. Negative self-talk can crush the spirit. Anytime a negative thought pops into your head, replace it with positivity. Remember you are in control of this aspect. Take back that power. You want a different lifestyle…then go after it. No waiting. No excuses. Create the life you desire.

Have a great day! Drop me a line if you need support or have questions.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

Looking at the World with New Eyeballs

Published on June 5, 2015 by Christine2 Comments

Many years ago when I started my photography business, I believed I was technically awesome. I knew my shit. I just loved taking photos and I was proud of what I captured. I was one kick-ass photographer.

Fast forward to many years later, I was building a portfolio for my website. I went through all of my old “awesome” work, and guess what? It was shit technically…a humbling and eye-opening realization. ha! How did I not know? How did I use to look at these photos and not see the areas I needed to improve? It wasn’t until I shoved my annoying ego to the side and invested in learning that I gained a new set of eyeballs. 😉 These new eyeballs are quite the opposite, I see areas needing of improvement with every shoot…which in the end will allow me to grow within my work.

That same principle has been proven within many areas of my life. My faith and spirit has evolved as I’ve invested in growing and learning. Life is an evolving journey of continual growth, wisdom and knowledge. The stagnant areas settle within ego…believing there is nothing else to learn or understand about a certain area.

One of the main reasons why I held onto the extra weight for so many years lies within the theory of low self-efficacy. Psychologist Albert Bandura (fellow Albertan!) has defined self-efficacy as one’s belief in one’s ability to succeed in specific situations. I truly didn’t believe I could do it. I constructed a difficult labyrinth within my mind that prevented even the slightest bit of progress. I quit before I even started. Those old eyeballs saw nothing but obstacles. I had resigned myself to living within a frame that I had difficulty moving physically.

I try to think back to the moment when I gained new eyeballs in this area…I really can’t pinpoint it. Just as I can’t pinpoint when I realized I was lacking technical knowledge within photography. I do know I dropped my ego and committed to learning. Research. Reading. Asking questions from others who had undergone a similar journey. And I used a healthy dose of imagination…I visualized reaching my goals. I shifted focus from the labyrinth of difficulty to seeing a new me. A better version of me who believed in herself.

The mind is our most powerful tool.

If you are reading this thinking about the areas you wish you can change, stop wishing and start doing. You absolutely can accomplish your goals, but do you believe you can? Before you know it, you just may look at life, circumstances, your past, relationships, and your goals with a brand new set of eyeballs. 😉

Here’s a great article about improving your self-efficacy: http://psychology.about.com/od/theoriesofpersonality/a/self_efficacy.htm

From my heart to yours,

Christine

A Decade of Maintaining Goal

Published on May 19, 2015May 19, 2015 by Christine2 Comments

Ten years ago today I stepped on the scale after a year and a half of working hard towards my goal of shedding 90 pounds. That magical number popped up on the scale…my goal weight. It was the end of one journey and the start of another. I left the euphoric world of losing and started into the unknown…how would I maintain this for the rest of my life? If you look at the long-term weight loss stats, it’s a little daunting…maintaining is tricky bidness. You see fat cells…they don’t fade away into the night, they shrink…but they remain.

After a decade of the maintaining world, here’s what I want you to know!

These past 10 years have been such a gift, I struggle to find the words to articulate just how amazing it is to find that zest for life that I had once lost.

The novelty still hasn’t worn off to be able to walk into a store and buy clothes off the rack.

I hold my head high because I’ve embraced confidence. I’ve let go of perfection and accepted vulnerability. I wish I had known that feeling when I was at my heaviest. I wish the old me loved herself.

You see confidence does not come within a size of clothing, it arrives subtly as I treat my body with the respect and the care it deserves (just as I treat those I love).

I find that self-respect within staying active, running in the sun, lifting heavy and then a little heavier the next week, within vibrant coloured foods packed full of nutrients and vitamins. The kind of food that give me energy.

I want you to know that the maintaining world isn’t that daunting at all. It’s just life. When you change your lifestyle, it just becomes the style in which you love to live your life. I’m so thankful I found it.

I’ve found…

balance.

peace.

joy.

I have found me.

Here’s to another 10 years.

From my thankful heart to yours,

Christine

The Ebb and Flow of Diet, Relationships, Weight, LIFE

Published on March 30, 2015 by Christine2 Comments

I used to weigh myself daily, sometimes several times a day sadly. I believed I needed something, a quantitative measure of the work I was putting in. I noticed something though, my moods arose and fell within that number. If it was what I wanted to see, my food choices changed (for the worse actually) and if the number was too high, I restricted too much. I placed self-value on 3 digits. Three insignificant numbers that had nothing to do with who I am as a person.

In 2013, I decided to only weigh myself once a month. At the first of every month, I stepped on my nemesis and logged the number. That one day would hold with it either a sense of pride or a feeling of failure. But I learned to move on quickly. The days in between contained the lifestyle I have come to love.

Last month as I was logging my weight, I noticed something. For the past two years my weight has gone up and down within the same 10 pounds range in the exact same months. Huh. So I started thinking about it, why is my weight the same during specific times of the year?

It’s because of the natural ebbs and flows of my life.

January’s weight gain is full of family love and Christmas cheer. Of buns rising on the table in the dappled light. Of gifts of baking from neighbours, friends and family. Of turkey, and stuffing, and cheersing to the year ahead. Of hibernation within the dark days.

March to April’s weight loss is full of runs in the sun and extra time to focus on the love of fitness. Of biking through puddles and jumping over patches of ice.

July to August’s weight gain is overflowing with campfire smores, BBQ’s and lazy boating days with full coolers and even fuller hearts as family set aside time to be together. Of walking paths of green a little slower to smell the flowers. Of passing twizzlers down the row of sunbathing sisters as we watch our kids play together on the beach.

Now that I’ve transitioned from diet mentality to Lifestyle, from losing to maintaining…I can relax a little and enjoy this journey without a critical mind.

This. Is. Life. My crazy, active, foodie, busy life.

This May marks 10 years at my goal weight. Just as there are ebbs and flows within relationships this too is the same. It is pointless to feel guilt followed by pride followed by guilt when there is so much life to be lived without worrying about what a scale says. I don’t need a measure in all reality. I need balance. I need authentic personal connection. As much as I absolutely love fitness (which I sure do), I also love sharing a lovingly prepared meal with those I love. No guilt attached, I know that I will run it off at some point because I’m committed to this lifestyle…so chill.

For every sunset there’s a sunrise, for every argument with someone you love there’s forgiveness and moving forward, for every season of indulgence and rest there’s a season of work and tenacity.

I’m thankful for life’s Ebbs and Flows for it brings balance.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

The Face of MS

Published on March 25, 2015March 25, 2015 by Christine18 Comments

I anxiously walked towards the sound of my family’s conversation filtering from my sister Janny’s hospital room. Each step I took revealed another family member from around the corner, all surrounding Janny’s bed. In our family, we never set a time to meet. We just instinctually know and manage to congregate at the same time…one large circle of supportive chaotic love. If one sister is missing, she is there in spirit through texts or phone calls of concern and solidarity.

Janny’s eyes met mine, and our smiles reached right to our eyes. She opened her arms wide for a hug and I drank in her affection with a strong hug hoping to transfer all my support and love within it.

She was admitted to the U of A Hospital after suffering another bad MS attack. Even though she’s been living with MS for 20 years, we as a family haven’t quite become accustomed to the devastating effects MS takes on our Janny each time an attack of this magnitude hits. Yet we have. It’s all so difficult to articulate and sort through in thought. This is why I seek clarity and solace within writing.

MS has proven to be a slow and methodical disease as it chips away at my sister’s ability to live the way she wants to, the way she deserves to. The devastation comes and goes in waves, each time taking a little more of her capabilities, awareness, and spirit before settling into a steadfast state. And then out of nowhere, one big attack knocking her down and leaving her vulnerable, confused, disoriented, limited. MS is a disease that is a different beast for each person it afflicts. It is unpredictable and relentless.

As I watched my sister staring at the clock while we visited, I was taken back to a memory from years ago when I hosted thanksgiving (or perhaps it was Easter) which was the last time I recall her having a bad attack. I ran around my kitchen as I hurriedly prepared for company at our new-to-us acreage. I was excited when I looked out my window to see them pull into the yard. My excitement washed away into a sad revelation as I watched her needing the aid of a walker for the first time. Tears streamed down my face as I watched my brother-in-law take the walker out of the back of the vehicle and get it ready for her. She wore an intense, determined expression as she walked to my house. The tears flowed not because I felt sorry for her but rather because I admired her tenacity and strong will. She amazed me and humbled me. I was proud of the Grace she displayed as she coped with all the horrible changes happening as her body betrayed her heart.

The other night as we huddled around her bed making small talk, and her devoted hubby gently swept a stray hair away from her eyes…I remembered her. I remembered who she was and who she is, because both are important.

How often have I walked by a soul whose body has forsaken them without being aware that they are an evolved soul through their disease? At one time, they must have expected good health like a sunrise…just as I do. Who were they before and who are they now? Both beautiful souls deserve respect, understanding and compassion.

How often have I so selfishly picked apart the areas of my body that I want to change without feeling deep appreciation that these legs of mine work? Forget the egocentric vanity of the aesthetics and embrace the beautifully complicated functionality of the healthy human body with sincere gratitude. I can run, jump, walk wherever and when I choose.

It’s all so hard to articulate now within my longing for my sister to have her health. My track-star sister. I mourn for the vitality she has lost to this disease. There’s a part of me that is also thankful that the deep seeded anger she so justifiably felt years ago gave way to a loss of awareness within her mind as MS attacked vital parts of the brain which comprehends those types of things. I feel guilty even typing that. I want you to understand how much of a blessing it was and is to finally see her smile and laugh again even though she had every reason to wake up daily with anger ranging within her soul.

So these past few weeks as she’s recovering I have spent time remembering her then and admiring her now. I love her like I love my own children.

I remembered my sister’s zest for life…the way she used to pace the kitchen while she talked because she couldn’t sit still for a second. She would walk or run places rather than drive.

The way she used to look you straight in the eye when she talked or listened as you talked, 100% genuinely present with the desire to know you better.

The handwritten notes she mailed me (and many others) full of hopes she dreamed for me, for her family, for others. She prayed for me at a time I had no direction and was struggling.

This is Janny’s heart encapsulated within a letter, written in 1992 before her diagnosis. She poured her heart into this letter, asked forgiveness when she didn’t need to. I was an immature teenager, and she always challenged me within my bad behaviour to be the best I could be. That’s what you do when you love someone, you advise with love in order for the other to grow and evolve. There are no words adequate enough to express my gratitude for the impact she had and continues to have on my life.

She prayed for strangers. She organized meals for those in need. She loved so intensely.

The way she held her boys hands as they walked and ran after them as they played. She was very active in their lives, volunteering at their schools any chance she got. She was and is proud of them. She was and is a devoted wife. Side by side they have shared all of life’s adversity. I have a memory from when I was a little girl of the two of them giggling together during one of their visits. Janny buried her head into his shoulder and whispered something and the two of them just broke out into laughter that was so light-hearted and free yet intimate…I felt odd invading their moment. I have no idea why this memory is so vivid, I couldn’t have been more than 8-10 years old at the time.

The way she worshipped in church, arms outstretched, eyes closed singing with all her might. She worshipped God with all of her heart. She served those in need as well, organizing meals for the sick. She took the time to reach out in a personal way to those she came in contact with.

I remembered her stubborn streak, the one that made her family have to hide the car keys when she was first told she couldn’t drive. She was fiercely independent and losing her license was very hard for her to cope with. I recall many times looking out my kitchen window and watching her drive up at mock-chicken, and defiantly getting out of her van walking through a cloud of dust. I would open the door with a disapproving look and she would tell me to shush up and make her a coffee.

She loved people. She still loves people. She loves being in the middle of the most animated of conversations. She’ll put her two bits in here and there and look down her nose over the top of her glasses when she doesn’t approve. She loves talking hockey and is a huge Oiler’s fan no matter if they make the playoffs or not. 😉 She puts all of her being into each gregarious laugh, and she laughs often (usually followed by a tap of the back of her hand to your shoulder). Her face lights up when she greets each family member. Whenever I visit, she always yells across the room “Chris! Come over here and give me a hug!” and she sure does pour her heart into those hugs. She takes the time to talk to each of my kids and asks how they are doing. She is all about family, always has been and always will be.

Jan, Beenie and Chrissy — Me, Janny, and Brenda (3 of the 6 sisters) March 22, 2015

This is the face of MS the way I’ve experienced it within our family love story. The complexity of the mourning for all that is lost and the gratitude for all that still remains. The ever-changing and evolving face as MS continues to invade. You would be hard pressed to find a family that doesn’t understand the face of a different type of disease, but this one is ours to watch, feel, experience with sadness and I pray there’s a cure someday soon. For my sister and for anyone who’s been touched by MS. Hope is what we crave.

I encourage you to reach out to those you love and express your gratitude for their impact within your life.

In the words of my sister “Remember, don’t keep anything bottled up inside of you”.

I wish for you health, happiness, and a humble heart as you grow in life. And most importantly, I wish for you awareness of your blessings and a united family standing tall and proud within LOVE as you tackle adversity.

I love you Janny.

From my heart to yours,

Christine

On Fear, Dreaming, and Balance

Published on November 26, 2014 by Christine4 Comments

My last post was May, can that be true?! It’s been a busy 6 months. I haven’t fallen off the healthy wagon; I’ve written so many posts in my head that it was a little overwhelming so I wrote nothing.

Over the spring and summer I worked towards my Personal Training Specialist certification through CanfitPro. I’m happy to say I’m now certified! I wanted to pursue certification for many years and it feels great to finally take action rather than thinking on a dream. I plan to mix some pretty powerful motivators through training: the positive mind and Photography. I’m so excited, can’t wait!

This May 2015 marks 10 years at my healthy weight. I used to call it my goal weight, but through these past 10 years I have learned it’s just a number. Healthy is my goal, not specific digits on a scale. I love learning new things about fitness and I’m a foodie at heart. Through the years I’ve noticed many trends come and go when it comes to the diet/fitness industry. Low fat, low carb, paleo, cleanses, high protein. Intense cardio, step, aerobics, heavy lifting, high-reps/low weight, spinning, TRX, crossfit, barre. None of which are necessarily a bad thing; however, I see an issue for me personally when the fad is introduced as the newest greatest solution to all my eating/fitness issues. Obsession takes over and that’s never been a healthy element for me.

But what about balance?

My quest for balance, happiness and health has always encompassed more than just a diet/fitness plan. It’s easy to get caught up in the diet/fitness industry’s promise of happiness within a meal plan or a workout. I can promise you from my experience, you can lose 100 pounds and still feel unfulfilled and deal with low self-esteem.

I learned the strength of my inner spirit is just as important as the health of my body. I had to heal from within. I had to learn to recognize my weaknesses and celebrate my strengths. Cardio/lifting sessions were (and continue to be) a time of self-reflection and an opportunity to challenge tired beliefs I have about my strength and ability. I had to identify the areas where I had an unhealthy relationship with certain foods and then replace those with healthy satisfying options. It has never been about restriction, but rather stability and control over an area I felt wildly out of control within.

I had to practice compassion, forgiveness, letting go, and perseverance for myself, but more importantly for others…until it became part of who I am as a person. We all struggle. We all have our insecurities. We all deserve forgiveness and love. I will always look for the good within others and foster that within authentic relationships. The other day I realized that it’s because I spent so many years in the dark that I appreciate this brilliant light of clarity and focus.

I’m so thankful for the years I spent…

~wandering through confusion because I learned to trust myself as a result.

~dreaming of a different body because I transformed a dream that was focussed on an aesthetic into lifelong action towards a healthy mind/body/spirit.

~unhappy because I learned a big part of happiness within life is simply a choice.

~trapped in jealousy and envy because I learned those gross emotions will fade away when you become confident within yourself.

~selfishly focussing on inner turmoil that clouded my life for it taught me to be more selfless and to move on.

When I started this journey I foolishly believed it was about fitting my ever-expanding body into a pair of skinny jeans. I had no idea I would learn to love others more because I found peace, forgiveness, and love within myself.

It’s all about balance. If you are struggling in this area, dig deeper. Figure out your weaknesses and strengths. Don’t lie to yourself. Focus on your inner strength, push away the doubt for that doubtful voice is just fear. Forgive yourself for your mistakes because you have learned so much from those. Adversity makes us stronger. You are human and we are all fantastically flawed. Let go of your past. You have a future full of promise if you just view it that way. Never give up on your goals, you are stronger than you even realize.

Life is a series of seasons, ever changing and evolving. Don’t fear change keep on growing and learning from both your mistakes and your successes. Turn those dreams into actions. I hope all this for you and more.

I’ll leave you with a little video of inspiration for your day…

From my heart to yours,

Christine