Category: Digging Deeper

Confessions of a Busy Mom

Published on by Christine20 Comments

There is no guilt quite like Mom guilt.   That nagging guilt that creeps in after the kids are tucked into bed, and the days events run over in the mind.

I find as I look around at all the other Moms lined up taking their kids to school in the morning,  they appear to have it all together.  They make the job of Mom look effortless.  I return home to my dish-filled sink, mound of laundry, and crumb laden floor fresh from the morning’s rushed breakfast and wonder how come I can’t get it together?  Do other Mom’s rush to find clean socks in the morning or want to lock themselves in the closet with a glass of wine when the kids start round 3 of whining and fighting?  Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Having said this, I have much appreciated the many women that have come into my life with the refreshing breath of honesty and have laid it all out there.  Their life is as hectic as mine, and they feel the same Mom-defeat as I do.

My wish is this: That we as women would stop masking the struggles and frustrations that come with being a Mom and let go of the expectation of being a Supermom of sorts.  That we would share our struggles with other women so we all know we aren’t alone in the mighty quest of being a good Mom.

The idea of Supermom is such an unreachable standard.  You do the very best that you can do.   Guilt serves no purpose.  I may not be a perfect Mom, but my kids are loved deeply.  They feel safe and loved and that’s all I can ask for.

This post comes on the heels of defeat. I got to thinking about how many of us are not only striving to be a certain size and shape (cookie-cutter body) but also striving to be a Mom that can handle anything and do so with grace while wearing the perfect butt jeans and a kick-ass pair of heels (well, no heels for me…I have weak ankles).

So, here is my confession.  My name is Christine and I have 3 kids.

I have a mound of laundry and although I tackle a load or two a day, it never goes away.

I have had my vacuum cleaner out for two weeks.  I vacuum a couple rooms here and there, and then I put it in a new location in my house.

If you come over to my house in the morning around getting-ready-for-school time, you may think my house has been ransacked or robbed, but if you come over at 3 p.m. balance is restored somewhat.

I have a stack of boxes in my basement that I’ve moved three times but I have no idea what treasures are in them, but I can’t bring myself to go through them as I’m sure they hold sentimental items.

I can’t quite seem to have all 3 of my kids on the same hair cut rotation, so one of them always looks more refined given the hair cut schedule.

I eat my lunch at 2 pm everyday because it’s an hour I can have to myself while Tessa has quiet time and the boys are still at school.

I would be a much better friend if I did all the things I want to do for my friends, but I lose the time and my intentions often don’t materialize.  If you are my friend, I’ve made you buns and a casserole in my mind several times.

I dance in my kitchen when I’m sad.  I always feel better after.

I have yet to take fall pictures of my own kids, but I’ve taken many fall sessions for others.  Kids I will corner you yet!

I think my husband knows how much I appreciate him, but I forget to tell him.  But I think it a lot.  Blog stalker are you there? 😉

Roll call to all busy moms, share a confession with a friend today or share one here!  There’s no such thing as a Supermom. We are all Moms: loving our kids and trying out best.

I’m Weak

Published on by Christine12 Comments

I had a fantastic chat with my sister Roxy this week.  It seems no matter how long we may go without chatting as life gets busy, our lives often run in parallel. 

We were talking about what it is we continue to tell ourselves in our daily lives.  That lie that we in turn go out of our way to prove wrong.  For me, it’s that I’m weak.  I have a hard time showing vulnerability (although it may not seem that way since I put a lot of personal struggles on this blog).  I don’t want to ask for help.  In fact, I’ll short-change myself and my kids in the not-asking-for-help process. 

I create these posts of random thoughts, and at the moment I hit the “Publish” button on this blog, I go through a day of wanting to take it down and have hives (pretend hives they may be) at the thought of putting it out there…

to be read…

to be judged…

to be taken the wrong way…

So what if it is taken the wrong way?  So what if there are those out there that will mock and judge my point of view?  It really doesn’t matter.  There will always be those people in all of our lives that can’t accept us for who we truly are.  That’s OK!  It doesn’t change the fact that we are who we are.  It’s important to surround yourself with a support system of people who DO value and accept you…exactly who you are, but that will continue to support and encourage growth in your life.  Life is far too short to live in a cloud of negativity. 

What is your lie? 

What lie do you go out of your way to prove wrong? 

Do you think this hurts you?

In what way?

Whatever that lie may be, it’s important to challenge it, and push yourself out of your comfort zone to deal with it.  For me, posting on this blog is part of that process. 

Some thoughts for your Thursday!

It’s taken me many years to truly accept who I am as a person.  Through this self-acceptance, it’s opened a door to accepting others for who they are.  We are all perfectly imperfect.  It’s refreshing.

Here I go once again, hitting the publish button.

Christine

Cookie Cutter Body

Published on by Christine20 Comments

Yesterday on my facebook status, I asked people if they were either happy or unhappy with their body image.  I wasn’t sure what the results would be.  Of the 38 women that responded, the results were this…

66% unhappy

18% happy

16% on their way to being happy

I didn’t count my vote, which would probably be with the 16% which are on their way to being happy with their body image.  Even after years of working on it, it’s an issue I continue to struggle with.  Progress…not perfection (as my friend Ginette used to tell me).

Why aren’t we happy with ourselves?

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Is it pressure from society to be a certain size and weight?  The elusive cookie cutter woman…

In my humble opinion, the only way we can move away from this is to worry less about what everyone else thinks we should be, and look within ourselves.  Which is funny, because as the results show, most people aren’t happy with their body image. So the girl beside you who looks like she has a body you would kill for probably isn’t happy with her body either.

What is your goal? One of my friends said she was happy with how she looks, but unhappy with her current fitness level.  So her goal is to run and bike easily.  I think that’s awesome!  That’s a goal that she is able to achieve.  It’s not about being a size ___.

I thought about what I don’t like about my own body yesterday.  I don’t like my tummy rolls, and although I can certainly work on that, I got this tummy from having three kids.  My tummy rolls are totally worth it.  Guess what? Most women that have children have the same tummy I do.

Life should be lived with pride.  Throughout my life, I have always looked ahead to the next stop rather than living in the moment. I can’t wait until I fit into that pair of jeans that have sat lonely on my closet shelf.  I can’t wait to tone my arms so I can wear a strapless dress that hangs in my closet.   Guess what, that strapless dress fits me now..toned arms or not.  I’m going to wear it.

The goal to be fit and healthy has nothing to do with being a certain size.   If you aren’t happy with your body image, I believe the solution is to be good to you.  If only we could see ourselves through the eyes of those who love us most, we would treat ourselves with the respect we deserve.  Really look within and ask yourself what part of it is something you can do something about, and what part of it is because you are looking to the outside world to dictate what you should be.  What parts of your behavior is destructive, and what parts will bring growth into your life.

I can switch my body image issue in one day.  One day I can feel horrible about myself because of the food choices I made, or because I’m a lump on the couch still in my pj’s sporting yesterday’s hair do.  The next day I can feel like a million bucks because I’ve taken great care of myself.   For me, this is what living a healthy lifestyle has brought to my life.  It’s given me my self-respect back and the willingness to keep going, to treat myself well.  To be proud of what I can do, and to stop living life on the side-lines.

I’m really curious what your take on this issue is.  Share your comments, stories, and thoughts here.

One thing that struck me from the results of the little poll, was how many of us deal with this issue…no matter what size you are.  So there are a lot of us in the same boat.  Don’t you just wish we could all just be honest with one another and let go of that cookie cutter mold many of us are striving for?  There is something so beautifully freeing in that.  It actually makes me feel giddy inside.

Share, talk, look within, and live your life with your head held high. You are beautiful, loved, and so worth it.

Christine

Creating Yourself

Published on by Christine3 Comments

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

I read the quote above and it had me thinking.  I often think about how changing my lifestyle enabled me to find myself.  But maybe it was about creating myself.   There is something so freeing in that, because it opens up the mind to creating whoever you want to be.  

I remember a time back when I worked at the fire school.  I was sitting in the coffee room with my co-worker Melzi.  I always admired her dedication to working out and she also ate really healthy snacks. 🙂  She was talking about working out and she did so with pride and you could tell she had a real love for it.  I remember thinking I could never be that person, although I would have loved to be.  I think I told her that I was going to work out later by walking my butt to the car after work.  What I remember most clearly was that I was utterly convinced that I could never work out…I was too big to go to a gym.  Gyms and working out were for fit people.  It was sad to me that there was something in life that I wanted but couldn’t do.  Not that I had to be told, but no one ever told me that I could.  I also took for granted that everyone else knew that I could never be that person.  So I stayed there…stuck for a long time…convinced that I was always going to be unhappy with my body-image. 

Actually when I think about it, my c0-workers at the fire school had a lot to do with my decision to change my lifestyle. Another moment that changed me was because of a co-worker named Chris (I miss you).  She loved taking pictures of everyone.  She took a picture of me on my going away night out after I resigned my position.  I was shocked to see how big I was when I later saw the picture.  She told me she thought I was beautiful.  I kept that picture of all of us up on my mirror for a long time as a reminder.

That night when we were all out together, a guy in the bar was being disrespectful to me.  Chris told me I should never allow anyone to treat me that way (she told him off too).  She told me to lift my head up high and it was then I realized how often I held my head down.  She taught me to respect and love myself.   Later after I had dropped the first 50 pounds, I came back to the fire school to work a contract.  I was down that all of a sudden people were holding doors open for me when they hadn’t months ago when I was bigger.  Chris told me they held doors open for me because I was walking with my head held high, rather than looking at the ground.   I never thanked you Chris for all you taught me about life.  Thank you.

It’s true that you show people how to treat you.  It’s also true that if you want to create yourself to be something different, it’s up to you to do it.  You absolutely can.  If you are stuck in a place in your life that you don’t want to be, what’s stopping you from creating the person you want to be?

Have a great day.  Walk with your head held high 🙂

Christine

Edited to add: After posting this, I realize there are areas in my life I need to change.  I’m working on it.  Life is all about change isn’t it?! 🙂

Self-deprecation vs. Pride

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When you tap into the zone of finding yourself and taking good care of yourself, there is a powerful sense of self-worth and pride that you just can’t keep in.  Some may misinterpret your new found pride, but wear it like a badge of honour! The flip-side of self-worth is self-deprecation which only leads to destructive behaviour and pain.

When you decide to live a healthy lifestyle, you are putting value on your mind, body, and soul.  You are choosing to treat your body with respect and there is real pride that comes with that.  That’s not to say you can’t feel pride if you don’t live a healthy lifestyle, but I do know this…when my eating is not in control and when I’m not living an active lifestyle, my self-worth really suffers.  For me this is most true when I’m not in control of my eating.  It spins a vicious cycle that always ends in undervaluing myself and continues onto other areas of my life. 

The feeling you get when you can shut your eyes at night and know that you were in complete control of everything you ate, and how active you were in your day is unbelievable. It’s addictive and it’s polar opposite of how you feel after a bad-eating or non-active day.  That pride fuels a desire inside to keep going.  To stop living life on the side-lines.  To challenge yourself in ways you never thought was possible.  No more “I cant’s” or “It’s too hard”. 

Life fueled by pride is so good. 

My friend Alana finished her first 10km race today.  She is so proud of herself, and her pride is infectious.  Alana, you are inspiring!  Way to go girl, pride looks FANTASTIC on you!!!

Have a great day,

Christine

Checking in!

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We are home from a week of holidays.  The week was exactly what I needed to recharge.  I spent my days sitting by a roaring fire, fishing, lounging with the kids, and taking pictures of whatever I wanted. 

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The eating department wasn’t so good for me…actually it was all too good.   After we got home, I was itching to go for a run.  I usually go on a 5 km route for my runs, but I stop for little walking breaks in between jogging.  This time I challenged myself to run the 5 km without stopping.  It felt so good.  It was a slow jog, but I didn’t walk.  I realized lately that I haven’t been challenging myself.  I stay within my comfort zone when I’m working out lately.  I believe that a person should continually push and challenge themselves with working out and eating healthy.  It’s allows me to never get bored or complacent. 

I read in a book by Bob Greene (I think!) that you should keep your work outs at a level that you cannot carry on a conversation with someone while working out.  On a scale of 1 to 10…1 being you are at rest, and 10 being you are at maximum exertion…you should try for around a level 7.  If you are going to put in the time for a workout, you might as well make it a good one.  You should definitely be sweating and out of breathe.  No looking pretty while you work out!

This morning I woke up feeling so down about my food and drink choices over the holidays, and then I realized that it’s a holiday, so as long as I get back on track, it’s all good.  Having said that, my next holiday I am going to practice some conscious eating and only eat when I’m hungry!  I do wish I could let go of the guilt when I do enjoy rich foods.  That is one thing I wish I could change, or at least find a healthy balance.  This healthy living stuff is a constant learning and growing experience.  I guess that’s a good thing.

When I got back and was able to check into facebook, I was so excited to see a friend post that she was down 30 pounds!  Congratulations Ang!  You are doing awesome.  I’m so proud of you.  Great things happen when you put your mind to it, and believe that a change within yourself is possible.  I remember when you sent me an e-mail awhile back and you were so on fire about your healthy changes.  I knew reading your e-mail that you tapped into that place within yourself that nothing was going to stop you and you would have a lot of success in reaching your goals.  It’s just so beautiful to see it happen in your life right in front of my eyes.  Much love to you Ang.

There is no stopping the amazing success that comes as a result of finding the strength and confidence within yourself to change.  The feeling that accompanies that success is unmatched and so addicting that it just keeps on going. 

Have a great day,

Christine

The Disconnect

Published on by Christine6 Comments

One of the main hurdles I find in the area of weightloss is the disconnect…between our mind and what we are eating.

Being aware that this is an issue, doesn’t make it any easier to control.  The key is to be conscious of what we eat, when we eat, and why we are eating at all times.   

Have you ever grabbed a big bag of chips and started eating only to realize that you are quickly reaching into the bottom of the bag?  What if you were to get a small bowl from the cupboard and fill it with a snack and only eat what is in that bowl, enjoying each bite?  Would you enjoy it any less?  I find with conscious eating, I enjoy food more because I’m not just mindlessly eating.

I would say my biggest struggle with keeping the weight off is this disconnect.  It’s tough because I’ve used food to fill a void for most of my life.   As I typed that last sentence, I realized how much shame is attached with it.   I think it’s because of this shame and the way we hide it, that people that have never had an issue with their weight have a hard time figuring out why someone can become overweight.   I was overweight not because I was lazy, and not because I had no self-control.  Quite the opposite.  It takes a lot of self-control to hide the pain I felt on the inside.  I happened to wear it on the outside in the form of unwanted pounds. 

So how do you avoid this disconnect with food?  You change the way you view food, and start eating consciously.  You become aware of what, when, and why you are eating. 

You allow yourself to feel.  You find a different outlet for it.  I guess that’s why Photography is so important to me.   Photography is my outlet for all the stuff I hold inside.   It’s a way to let it all out.   I always wondered why I connected with certain photographer’s photos.  And I finally realized that I connect with how they felt when they took the photo, or with the feeling that lies within a photo. 

Here’s a photo taken in 2004 that, for me, has a lot of emotion connected to it.

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I took this photo at a MS walk that we walked along side my sister (Jan is holding the red heart balloon, my sister Sharon and my Dad are beside her).  She walked an entire 10 K.  We all walked together as a family, and I was so amazed and so proud that Janice walked 10 K.

What is your outlet?  Sometimes we forget as Mom’s to remember who we are beyond the wife, mother,  employee, entrepreneur…whatever the case may be.  We lose ourselves in the midst of life.   Do not leave yourself last.  You are the best version of yourself when you are happy and whole.  If you’ve lost who you are, give yourself permission to find yourself again.

I do hope something within this blog helps someone move forward.  I have to tell you, I may not seem like a private person, but I really am.  Several times I’ve wanted to take down this blog, only because if I think about how much private stuff I’ve shared here it gives me hives.  The reason why I share, and why I will continue to share beyond my comfort zone, is because I will never, ever, ever forget the hopeless feeling that comes along with being stuck at a place in life that you do not know how to move forward out of.  So, I do hope these words touches someones heart and helps them move ahead.  I have appreciated everyone that has taken the time to comment or that has sent me an e-mail.  It takes the hives away 🙂

Take care my friends,

Christine

Tapping into your Potential

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How many times have you shot down a goal or dream because you thought you couldn’t do it?  What if you told yourself you could do it?  What if you truly believed it?!  So often we fail to tap into our true potential because we’ve trained ourselves to believe that we CAN’T do it, or we give a mediocre effort and then tell ourselves it’s all we’ve got.

This is especially true in the area of weight loss.  Sometimes looking at the big picture is so overwhelming we give up before we even start.  If I would have thought in my mind that I had almost 100 pounds to lose, I would have thrown in the towel and dove into a bag of Doritos (the cool ranch kind).

Could it be, that you have no idea what your true potential is?  Maybe just maybe you are strong enough to conquer your fears and go for it! 

Try this:  Strap on your running shoes and go for a walk/jog…even if you are not a jogger.  When I first started jogging, I couldn’t jog anymore than 30 seconds before I wanted to puke in my mouth a little (sorry, descriptive I know).   

Warm up 5 minutes walking, now start jogging; even if it’s barely a jog.  When your breathing gets laboured and your legs start to burn and your mind starts screaming “holy Hanna Montana you have got to STOP!!!”…Don’t do it! Keep going!  Tell yourself, you will jog another 15 seconds.   Go again the next day.  This time go for an extra 3o seconds, or an extra 5 minutes…depending on the level you are at.  The point is, you CAN push through it. 

Don’t let yourself believe that you aren’t strong.  You are only limited by your mind.

My sister Janice has MS.   Before she got sick, she was the most active & vivacious woman I have ever met.  She loved to go for speed walks and being active was just part of who she was.  She now walks short distances with the aide of a walker. When I first started exercising, my little sister and I went for a walk/jog while on our family vacation.  I could not for the life of me keep up to her!  It was like chasing Forest Gump.  I returned back to the cabin a good 10 minutes behind her so I was feel discouraged about my slow pace.  Janice was in the cabin when I returned and I told her how bummed I was because I couldn’t run very fast.  She looked at me and said “I wish I could run again.”  I had to duck into another room because I was so overwhelmed by her statement and realization of how spoiled I was complaining about how difficult exercising is when I CAN exercise. 

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My sisters and me Christmas 02 (my little sister is missing from this shot as she was basking in tropical son).  Me, Roxy, Sharon, Janice, and Darlene.

So I run because I CAN run.

This is the song I play on my Ipod when I don’t want to run anymore (I apologize for the crude Madonna photos that accompany this song.  It was the only one I could find on the net that I could embed.  Just listen to the words!).  The words of this song remind me of my sister and I refuse to quit when I hear it.

Push yourself and tap into your potential.  You won’t believe how strong you actually are.

Look Ahead, Never Behind.

Published on by Christine5 Comments

Always look ahead.  Move forward.  Take the steps necessary to move onward.

If the past holds hurt and pain for you, let it go.  It does not bring good into your life.  You are not defined by your past.  You define your future.

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Start FRESH.  Today is a new day full of possibilities and hope.

I’ve had some horrible things happen in my past.  I held onto it like a badge of honour, but it brought pain and darkness into my life.  I needed to let it go.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget.  It means finding the freedom to say that the past can’t hurt you anymore.  It means giving yourself permission to release the anger and the pain.  Let it go.   Celebrate the freedom in that.

When you release the pain, you will move forward.  You can’t help it. 

Look at all the beauty around you!  It’s everywhere.  Find JOY in the little things…like the hot sun after a long winter, the beauty and life brought on after a May rain, the tender hugs my kids give me even after I yell at them to clean their room. 

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Life is a gift.  Life is good.  Count your blessings and forget the pain of yesterday.

I can’t say this enough, but you have the power to be exactly who you want to be.  The power to be that person falls in your lap and it’s up to you to make it happen.  It’s all you baby 🙂

 

I can’t embed this video, but you MUST click the link below and listen to this song!  I chose this song “Video” by India Arie  to play when I received my goal weight key-chain.  I love it and the message is so powerful: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXEE7Pi6iQ&feature=related

Depression vs. Healthy You

Published on by Christine4 Comments

One of the main reasons I exercise and stay in control of my eating is in the mighty fight against depression.  I do realize that there are varying degrees of depression and that not all depression can be fought with a work out or a healthy meal plan…but it works for me.

I have a lot to be grateful for and thankful for in my life, but I fight with depression (which really has nothing to do with not realizing that I have a lot to be thankful for) 

It’s a darkness that at times sneaks in and envelopes me like a heavy blanket.  Sometimes I don’t even know I’m in a funk until I realize I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone.  It’s more than a feeling; it’s a state of being and it’s hard to explain.

You know when you hear a song that is connected with a memory and as soon as you hear that song you are taken back to that time, feelings and all?  It’s sort of the same way with depression, I hear the word depression and I can for a split second feel the darkness, the loneliness, the confused state as to why I feel that way.   I’m not going to lie: it’s hard to share this openly because there is also a lot of shame attached with depression.

When I feel it coming on, it’s all I can do to wait for my husband to get home so I can go for a jog by myself.  It’s not that I enjoy running all that much, but I LOVE how it makes me feel during and after.  I feel strong, in control, capable, proud, full of life…Yes, it’s uncomfortable; but in a good way. In a way that lets me know I’m alive.

In much of the same way, eating a healthy meal plan and staying in control and away from bingeing on the wrong foods also keeps depression at bay.  It’s a great feeling to know you are feeding your body what it needs.  Food is fuel and whatever you put in, that’s what you get out.  Put in good foods that are full of vitamins and nutrients, and you feel full of energy and life.  Put in crap, well…you feel like crap! It may be hard, or seem not all that fun to eat that way at first, but your body adapts quickly!  Before you know it, if you even try and go back to eating foods high in fat, they will most likely make you ill. 

If you tend to binge on foods to deal with depression, it’s important to change the way you view food.  More often than not, after you binge on your comfort food, you feel worse than before.  It’s a horrible feeling, and there is no way to lift yourself up if you continue to beat yourself down. 

If you deal with depression, to any degree, I encourage you to fight it by celebrating and taking care of YOU in a different way.  Life is a miracle and it’s a gift. 

Sorry if this tune is a bit on the “after school special” side, but hey…this song speaks so many truths about how precious life is and it’s a great reminder that life is gift and full of miracles.

Have a great active day!

Christine